SOAP WATCH

It’s unsurprising that people have affairs when their social lives are largely restricted to a drink down the local. When Coronation Street’s Reg was alive, at least we were assured of the occasional gathering of grocers at a black-tie bash; similarly, when Audrey was Lady Mayoress. But these days, locals have to be content with a glass of warm white wine in the Rovers or, luxury upon luxury, a bottle of wine between four at the Bistro. If you’re Tim or Kevin, a can of beer (no glass) in front of the telly is the epitome of luxury.

It’s the same story in Walford, where the EastEnders congregate every night in the Vic. Years ago, the young people were always taking a trip ‘up west’, where they would be introduced to the delights of central London and become drug addicts or alcoholics overnight. Now, they only have to cross the Square to meet the terrors of modern life.

It is the young people’s contentment with the banality of their social existence that is most bizarre. In Emmerdale, you have two basic choices: you can sleep with Moira or get murdered. In Hollyoaks, you can sleep with a McQueen or get murdered.

Down Under, the people of Home & Away and Neighbours daren’t risk much at all. If you go into the bush, you’ll get lost; if you go out in a boat, you’ll drown; and if you get in a car, you’ll crash. Yes, better to just stay at home.