AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PET

Everyone ages; but why, in soapland, must growing older go hand in hand with transformation into a Muppet – and I’m talking Animal rather than Fozzie Bear? Emmerdale is the worst culprit. Is there a closet hairbrush snatcher among the staff? Why else would Lisa not have untangled her locks for what seems like years, and why can’t she visit a salon just once to sort out her colour? Small wonder Zak was attracted to another woman; waking up next to a yeti every morning must have been terrifying. Now Charity is going the same way. These are attractive women beneath the untended foliage. Please get a stylist to sort this – or a topiarist.

EastEnders isn’t much better, with Shirley always looking as if she’s been dragged through Epping Forest forwards, backwards and then through a rabbit warren. Then there’s Roxy, who used to look so pretty and is now unrecognisable emerging from a make-up department that appears to have, well, run out of make-up for her. Maybe they used it all on Sam, who returned looking like Coco the Clown.

Thank goodness for Coronation Street’s relative glamour in this house of horrors. Kylie’s shock murder robs the Street of Paula Lane, who has played the character so brilliantly for six years. At least it’s an excuse for David to shed his recent Angel Gabriel persona and return to being the psycho David we all love – and hate. Determined to blame someone for his wife’s death, he turns vigilante. Visiting Kylie in the chapel of rest, he tells her how much he loved her (above). A Kleenex moment of the very highest order.

Hopalong Caz is well and truly dumped by Kate and moves in with Maria. Consumed with jealousy when she sees her ex

arm in arm with Sophie, it can be only a matter of time before she uses those crutches she acquired as a weapon of mass destruction. Preston’s Petals would be well advised to start making up a few more wreaths.

Just out of interest, by the way, who are all those bouquets for in the shop? Roughly one customer a month comes in, and no one ever delivers any flowers. Pointless Petals might be a more apt name for the place.

On a jollier note, Jenny is given a trial as a machinist and, meeting Johnny for an afterhours sewing lesson, is soon kissing him passionately. A stitch in time saves nine...