SOAP WATCH

ultimate insight into the week’s soaps

The business acumen of soapland’s characters leaves so much to be desired, it’s a miracle that they ever make any money. How has anyone in Coronation Street managed to save enough money to put down a deposit on one of Phelan’s flats? Okay, victims don’t yet know that the flats are non-existent, which makes it all the more bizarre. Sarah suddenly came into money, Rita has a bottomless supply of savings and is planning on buying a flat for Jenny, and Alex was up for one until he decided that he’d rather be holed up at Roy’s Rolls (which, by the way, takes about £9 a week in cakes and two cooked breakfasts).

In EastEnders, every bank manager within a 100-mile radius can’t wait to hand over money to Ian, who never manages to sell more than six chips a week. And in the café, everyone is always eating but seemingly never pays.

The history of Emmerdale’s businesses has never been great, either – a lot of people sitting behind desks or in factories, shouting, before descending on the pub.

Everyone, everywhere, is always in debt and worried about money. Pretty much like real life, really.

UNDERTAKERS EXTERMINATED BY WRITERS

That’s what you call a u-turn week. First, the Cokers decided they wouldn’t sell the family business (they’ll need a lot more dead bodies to make it financially viable), and then Masood returned with Kamil. Having admitted that he came back because he missed Carmel, how will the relationship develop now they’re living under the same roof? Vindaloo every night? I’d say you’re quids in, Carmel.

Despite putting Billy in charge of the business, Pam and Les look set to leave this week, but they have the agonising wait of

GLASS-CEILING BREAKER ‘I’ve been happy here, even if I never looked it. But I’m wasted on that switch.’ Eileen’s farewell to Street Cars, Corrie

NOSTALGIA OF THE WEEK ‘She was like an X-rated Cilla.’ Freddie, about Rita in her heyday, Corrie

hearing about sentencing for Paul’s killers. Assured by the couple that he has to live his life, post-Paul, Ben raises a toast and takes a step forward. Already? Talk about putting the past behind you; more like rocketing it back to the Dark Ages. Will it restore him to sanity? All right: semi-sanity. Let’s not be too optimistic. Anyway, on Pam and Les’s last day they have to tie up several loose ends. Embalming fluid Martinis in the Vic to see them off (pictured)?

The big mystery of the week (not) is why Dot is upset by a touching gesture by Ricky. Is she ever happy?