CORONATION STREET

The Ex Factor is one of soapland’s more bizarre features. Why, having endured a miserable relationship that ended in tears, do people go running back to their exes in the hope that they’ve changed their spots? Remember EastEnders’ Max and Tanya? She buried him alive in the woods then changed her mind and dug him up. A few years later he proposed. Phil also forgave Sharon for trying to do him over; then she turned into Florence Nightingale to help him cope with his alcoholism.

Coronation Street’s Ken and Deirdre both had affairs, and despite years of having to consume his wife’s signature dish of stuffed marrow, Ken decided against sailing into the sunset on a barge with Martha. Personally, I think that was a mistake. On the barge Ken enjoyed gourmet food and enough red wine to sink a... well, a barge.

By far the greatest yo-yo relationship is that between Emmerdale’s Cain and Charity. We know they’re meant to be together, they know they’re meant to be together, but the universe has other ideas. But as exes go, they’re soap’s most enduring and enjoyable couple. ‘Onions and adultery – lethal combination,’ said poor Yasmeen, cooking, after hearing that Sharif had been having an affair. Now it’s up to Zeedan to comfort her. On the day of Zee dan’s engagement to Rana, Michael commented that he’d never seen him smile. Me neither – it was scary, like when the shark leaps up at the end of Jaws. Anyway, the smile was soon wiped off his face (expect another in about 2021) and he declares that Alya is dead to him.

Maria’s not having a great time, and with Caz lurking in the shadows, one can only fear

LEAST CONVINCING MATERNAL INSTINCT ‘They’re like Chucky One and Chucky Two.’ Erica, about Asha and Aadi, Corrie

MOST OBVIOUS CURSE

‘It’s their day; nothing’s going to spoil it.’ Yasmeen, about Zeedan and Rana’s engagement party, Corrie

the psycho’s next move. When Maria finds her bloodied scissors in her hairdressing bag it’s clear she’s being framed, but Aidan (above, with Maria) comes to the rescue.

It can be only a matter of time before Aidan and Maria end up in each other’s arms again when Eva insists that her lover stays over at Maria’s. If Eva spent as much time on the relationship as she does applying lipgloss, she’d see what’s going on. That mouth could be in the running for the Turner Prize.

Anna shows Kevin the photos of her injuries and he insists he loves her more than ever. But will it be enough?

SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, MARIA!