EASTENDERS

Soapwatch has just celebrated its 20th anniversary, so I’m pondering how much has changed in the two decades since I started writing about what remain Britain’s most popular drama series. I’ve seen births, marriages and deaths; stolen babies, murders and explosions; car, bus and train crashes; hold-ups, robberies and kidnappings (most of the latter in Emmerdale – they really love their car boot body sales). Florists have made a fortune from funerals; cops have learnt nothing about how to track down the right criminal, nor about how to order a drink (they’ve clearly not watched enough Inspector Morse). Doctors, on the other hand, have conducted most of their diagnoses in the pub instead of their surgeries.

Still, nobody in EastEnders has a washing machine, and nobody, anywhere, has a dishwasher – not even Coronation Street’s Gail, who was married to a kitchen fitter, for goodness sake (one of many men she saw off). And Emmerdale’s Lisa has yet to use a hairbrush.

Also, 17 years since his first appearance, I still have the hots for Emmerdale’s Cain Dingle. Maybe most things never change.

HUBBLE, BUBBLE, TOIL

AND TROUBLE

The efforts to turn the show into a substandard Grange Hill gather pace this week as Louise, Alexandra and Madison ( The Witches of Eastbitch, pictured) do their best to sabotage Michelle’s first day of Community Service (inset).

In what is possibly Louise’s worst week since emerging from the womb to discover that Lisa and Phil were her parents, she is horrified when Michelle and Sharon return home drunk. Haunted by Phil’s alcoholic past, what effect will this have on the

youngster? Send her running straight to the liquor cabinet, probably.

Next plot bubbling at the coven’s cauldron is a plan for a ‘relaxed’ girls’ night for Madison’s birthday. We all know that a relaxed night in Walford makes the Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like the Teddy Bears’ Picnic, so it should be no surprise to Louise when her quiet evening turns into anything but. Will Louise be able to keep the situation under control when more guests arrive? From where are these extra nobodies coming, by the way? Enough young people, EastEnders! Nobody cares! Lock them in a vault and bring them out when they’re 30.