EASTENDERS

THE DOORMAT’S WELCOME Ex-EastEnders producer Matthew Robinson once told me that actors are happy for only 15 seconds at a time – when they’re told they have the job. I feel the same way about Stacey – she’s only ever happy in the 15 seconds when she gets her man. When she asks Martin (pictured, with Stacey) to make their reunion official by moving back home, you just know it’s going to be the beginning of the end (again). Bex is furious when Martin tries to explain (er, that he’s mad to be doing this?).

Should you be suffering from chess deprivation, there is more to come when Tiff pretends to be interested in the game in order to get closer to Bernie, with whom she has shared a kiss. Poor Bernie. Not only do they give her one of the most mind-numbingly boring storylines in the history of the show (not to mention in the history of chess – and that’s some achievement), now she’s sexually traumatised. When Tiff says she knows Bernie has been evasive because she fancies her, the female Spassky is humiliated and tells her to go. It’s not quite check for her mate, because when Bernie admits to Tiff that she is confused by her feelings, they are friends again.

Ian, meanwhile, is opening a fusion restaurant in the hope of impressing Mel, completely ignoring the fact that the only fusion she wants is with Jack (we’re all in that queue). He even tells Kathy that he’s going to marry her. Hmm. Because that turned out so well the first time round.