CORONATION STREET

Eating habits of characters are getting worse, especially in Weatherfield, where Coronation Street residents also have the irritating habit of calling every cup of tea a ‘brew’. I don’t know anyone who calls it that – and I know a lot of people from Manchester. It’s as if the writers can’t think of more imaginative ways to indicate ‘working class’.

Last week, there was non-stop snacking – so many buns and ‘bickies’ (who, over the age of four, calls them that?). ‘Go to Roy’s, get some iced buns,’ said Alya to Fiz in the factory. Fiz looked as if she’d won the lottery. Go to Speed Daal, people! Get some lentils inside you!

It’s not much better in Walford, where the EastEnders lot have to rely on the chippie for most of their sustenance – or one of Ian’s other dreadful establishments. In the café, breakfast is Coronary On A Plate (which hardly anyone ever pays for, by the way).

At least Emmerdale gives the appearance of healthy eating, even though that’s little more than Marlon running around frantically in his whites. It’s a pity the villagers don’t know about the restaurants used by visitors to the Emmerdale Village Tour.

WAKE UP LITTLE SUSIE

Poor Susie. Everyone is so busy talking about her future, they have yet to notice she’s hardly been given a drink since birth. Things start to look bad for Eva when Johnny pulls out Susie’s false birth certificate. When the baby disappears from her Moses basket and Johnny doesn’t come home, the police are called in (pictured, with Eva, Toyah and Leanne).

In the hotel room, Johnny attempts to feed the poor girl (inset), but he hasn’t been taking his MS pills and is struggling. He calls Liz, who comes to the rescue – the equivalent of calling the Devil to put out your fire. Will she

TELL IT HOW IT IS

‘For somebody who’s had a load of affairs, you’re a terrible liar’ Tracy, to Maria, Corrie WOMAN SCORNED ‘You take one step closer an’ I’ll bash yer brains in’ Gemma, to Henry, Corrie

go along with his plan to run away to Spain with Susie? And where’s your passport? Susie will need one, too. There’ll be an international warrant out for your arrest. You can’t speak Spanish (your English isn’t that great). Head back home and go to a tapas bar; maybe that’ll get rid of your Spanish fixation, Johnny.

At last the Rovers is set to change hands when Henry Newton buys it to gift to Gemma (at last, we’ll be rid of Toyah’s frocks). Will she come round when he swears he wants her? She’s hilarious, a great character and would make a wonderful landlady. Will they install a stepladder so she can see over the counter?