CORONATION STREET

How many more kidnappings must we endure? How many more car boots containing bodies rather than old china ready for the weekend sale in the local village field? Seriously, any car in Emmerdale is a likely storage container for a body.

Is the new producer of Corrie, who was at Emmerdale, indulging his penchant for kidnappings, or is the outgoing producer just paving the way for things to come? This week, it’s Bethany, albeit not in a boot (get therapy, whoever makes up this claustrophobic stuff!).

We know soap operas rely on high drama, but there are ways to introduce it outside of kidnappings and shootings. How about someone gets eaten by a moose, for instance (OK, I’m exaggerating, but anything’s possible in these ludicrously inflated dramatic times)?

When they run out of imaginative storylines, the soaps revert to clichés and it’s always tedious: a quick fix for the writers (and, by the way, it’s not their fault – they have to follow the producer’s whims). Bring back dialogue. The good old days when people opened their mouths and gold dust fell out. Writers, they know. Producers, take note.

GAGGING (DIS)ORDER

Poor Bethany; she hasn’t had much luck in life (and not getting her roots done is the least of her problems). Growing suspicious of Kayla, she sets off for her house in search of Craig, who has missed his police medical. When she sees a photo of Kayla with Neil, it’s not long before she finds herself bound, gagged and held captive by her (pictured). It’s all a bit Phelan II, but will Craig come to the rescue and save the real love of his life?

Forget Craig’s OCD for now; I’m obsessed with FED ( Facial Expression Overdrive). Between Abi’s overactive eyes and Toyah’s

smirk, it’s hard to take anything they say seriously (and please, get Toyah some decent clothes; that ridiculous robe dress belongs in a sushi restaurant). At least Abi is about to have fun with her new best friend Tracy, but when the pair show up at Beth and Kirk’s flatwarming, Beth isn’t happy. The Street excels at double acts, and the brilliant Kate Ford (Tracy) shines with whoever her partner in crime is. Steve, Mary, Beth, Abi – they all bring out the best and worst in our Tracy. But writers, stop her saying ‘Steve’ every time she talks to him. Stop everyone saying it. No other character gets a name check as frequently.