EASTENDERS

ARCH ENEMIES

A big problem with introducing a new character is inventing a history that links them to the regulars, no matter how spurious the connection. The idea is for their presence to appear seamless – as if they have always been part of the fabric but out of the picture for a while. Goodness, how they have tried with Stuart. Mick’s friend, dodgy weirdo, Tina’s nemesis – they just can’t decide who or what he is (a bit like Tina, albeit in a very different way). Now, with Stuart confronting Tina and goading her about their past, the pair come to blows in the Arches and Tina is arrested (pictured).

Has there ever been a more unlucky garage, with its history of beatings and corpses? Why did the Square invest in an undertakers? They could’ve just stuck ‘morgue’ over the Arches and saved a fortune. When was the last time anyone had an MOT? And do they ever take their overalls to the launderette? Have they been washed once since the place opened?

The launderette might be due for a bit of action when Jean finds Stacey’s old christening gown. For some bizarre reason, this gives her the idea that all the children should be christened in a wonderful Slater celebration. We all know how those end up. Stacey couldn’t be less interested, but Jean brings Martin round when she explains that she just wants to do a nice thing to bring the fairm-ly together. A few bags of fish and chips would have done that, but water and the Slaters in one room? Doomed. Even God is running for cover.