EASTENDERS

There are three things that soapland needs but delivers in tiny doses, if at all: family planning clinics, locksmiths and, last but not least, financial advisers. Unwanted pregnancies, flimsy doors with Yale locks that a small child could break, and money problems have always been prevalent, yet nobody ever thinks to seek the advice of a professional. Let’s look at the latter.

EastEnders’ Billy’s had more money problems than bank chiefs have had bonuses; and despite being (allegedly) an entrepreneur, Ian’s businesses take a fiver a day (if they’re lucky).

Over on Corrie, Sean is currently homeless and jobless, though it’s hard to see why, in a place that boasts of community spirit, he wasn’t able to approach a single person to help him out (I thought the same when EastEnders’ Denise was scavenging for sandwiches in bins). Both Audrey and Gail were swindled by Lewis, and now Sally is in deep water, facing fraud and money laundering charges, when she can’t even launder her clothes properly.

Thank goodness for the wine cellar at Emmerdale’s Home Farm. What greater riches does anyone need?

THINGS THAT GO BUMP

Hayley hasn’t exactly been hiding her baby bump, so one can only assume the Square’s been affected by some kind of community blindness. It’s been looking so big recently, I thought she’d been shoplifting in the Minute Mart. When Stacey spots it and Hayley furiously announces she’s leaving, Jean promptly reveals the bombshell to everyone, including Whitney (above, centre, with Jean, left, and Hayley). Will this prove a greater incentive to go or will the Slaters convince Hayley to stay?

I notice Sharon’s fruit bowl is slightly fuller, and still no one’s been spotted eating an apple

BONDING MOMENT

‘I have a gay daughter who’s a lesbian, too’

Sally, to Paula, Corrie

GRAMMAR LESSON ALERT ‘I didn’t know me grandma but she’s still me grandma, innit?’

Gemma, to Jenny, Corrie

or banana. Given how much time she, Dennis and Phil spend arguing, their mouths are unlikely to find time to consume anything.

There’s more tension between Sharon and Phil after he argues with Keanu. Sharon tells Phil they need to sort fings. We all know what happens when Phil tries to do that – absolutely nothing, or he does a runner to Spain. When Sharon finds a booking confirmation for a trip to Spain on Phil’s laptop, she assumes he’s taking her with him to sort fings on a holiday and prepares a Spanish meal as a thank you. That should be interesting, given that she clearly doesn’t know how to peel a banana.