EASTENDERS

Unlikely pairings of people have always been crucial to soaps’ success; but the incongruity of people and places is just as relevant. Who would have thought Corrie’s Sally would ever end up in prison, but there she is – the woman with the most hilarious social- climbing pretensions known to mankind, reduced to the bottom rankings. But even inside she’s unable to let go of her aspirations, and it’s about to get a whole lot funnier.

Mind you, Corrie doesn’t always get its place and people pairings right – think Toyah and Peter running the Rovers: possibly the worst decision ever in the show’s 58-year history. EastEnders has always managed to get its landlords and ladies spot on. Peggy, Kat, Alfie, Linda, Mick – despite the latter being the most expressionless landlord who looks in permanent need of jump leads to spur him into life.

Albert Square’s launderette has had a successful stream of residents. Never mind that Walford has fewer washing machines per square foot than anywhere else (none, to be precise); the setting is merely a stage for character development. Still no family planning clinics, though. I’ll keep up my campaign.

BIRTH CONTROLLING

Where’s the bair-bee? The poor child hasn’t had much of a start in life, although in Walford it can only get worse. As the Slaters search for mother and daughter, Hayley’s mum Bev is helping her through this difficult time, even though the bair-bee’s been dropped with Mariam and Arshad (pictured, left). When something seems wrong, the Ahmeds go to the hospital and call Hayley, who bonds with the newborn (pictured, right). But then Bev takes the bair-bee home. The poor kid’s going to have travel sickness before its first feed; it’ll be hitting the bottle sooner than expected – and

I’m not talking milk. I’m not optimistic about Bev’s suggestion that the child could fix the past. Only hiring a Tardis to go back in time will do that where any Slater is concerned.

It’s a bair-bee heavy week, with Cora struggling to look after Abi (as if she doesn’t have enough problems keeping her hair in check). But Max’s new solicitor is positive about his chances of winning custody. I’m not. Walford’s solicitors are as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Mick’s lawyer Ritchie gives Linda an update but is in for a shock when told her services are no longer required. What’s Linda up to, and why is she warmly greeting Stuart?