CORONATION STREET

The idea of sailing/flying/riding off into the sunset when life gets tough is an appealing one to soapland folk. In EastEnders, the most regular evacuee in Albert Square was once Ronnie Mitchell, who, without carrying so much as a toothbrush, was always legging it back to Spain.

Liz did the same last week in Corrie, to save Johnny and Jenny from prison. Few people in Walford or Weatherfield have any idea there are countries other than Spain in Europe (or the world, come to that) and even those who do seem unconvincing: Corrie’s Bethany, for example, who returned from Italy after years and couldn’t even order a Cornetto. I reckon she and Sarah never got further than a Manchester Pizza Hut.

EastEnders’ Kaffy fled to Sarff Affrica, but since her return from the death she faked there, she hasn’t mentioned missing the views or lifestyle (she was probably in another Pizza Hut the entire time). Goodness knows where Emmerdale’s Andy Sugden is; he doubtless never even made his flight because a local bundled him into a car boot.

It’s far better to stay put than to flee. Home is where the pay cheque is.

FLAMIN’ HECK!

What is it with Peter and fires? In 2009, his flat was set alight and Simon nearly died from smoke inhalation. Now, here Simon is again, this time on Peter’s boat, which is set on fire by a hurricane lamp and the residents watch it burn in panic (pictured). But is it arson and is Simon still inside? My question: is Simon a closet pyromaniac?

Peter (pictured, left) is certain the culprit is Abi, after she drunkenly accuses him of treating her badly. But when Sarah discovers footage missing from the factory CCTV that might have given clues, what’s Carla

hiding? Why does the factory have CCTV anyway? The only thing worth stealing is the kettle. Maybe Carla is a closet pyromaniac, too – let’s not forget that her own place went up in smoke. What if Carla and Simon are in on it together? The Bonnie and Clyde of Pyromaniacs Anonymous?

The tedium of drugs/prison has returned with Clayton and it seems bad boys are suddenly de rigueur, with Tyler landing a job at the Bistro, too. Boooo- rrrr-ing! Please hurry up and bring back that gorgeous Italian barber Andrea, who appeared last week! Short back and sides for me, please.