CORONATION STREET

Soapland could do with some anger management specialists; they’d clean up. Corrie’s Gary has been beating up so many people in his young life, he might as well sign up to be the face of knuckle dusters worldwide. EastEnders’ Phil isn’t far behind in the thuggery stakes, although he tends to get people to do his dirty work for him while he lurks in the shadows, appearing to be in the throes of spontaneous combustion. And Emmerdale’s Aaron has spent so much time on the edge, you feel that nothing short of a permanent harness attached to the mainland is going to save him from himself.

A bit of therapy could help them all. ‘Gary, listen up, love. Sarah’s not the only woman in the world and if you have to resort to jaw reconstruction to make you smile, you need a new life.’

Phil: ‘Stop going for women with big hair. And blondes. Or women with highlights. Actually, Phil, stop going for women full stop. It’s never going to end well.’

As for Aaron: ‘Hibernate. No one needs to live at this level of stress.’

That’ll be £500 apiece, gentlemen. They really push Mikey North, who plays Gary, to the limits in his character transformations, but he continues to impress, even though Gary finds someone new to attack on a daily basis. Now it’s Ryan’s turn (inset) – yet another victim of Gary’s money-lending scheme. This could actually all turn out rather well, given that Gary now takes furniture instead of cash: Ryan could hand over Michelle’s old tat without paying a junk firm to remove it. Result! What Gary hasn’t bargained for is Adam catching the attack on camera. At least it gives Adam something to

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do other than lurk, trying to look sexy and sinister; apart from growing his hair and trimming his beard it’s hard to see what he does for a living. Is he modelling himself on John the Baptist or Jesus? Who knows, neither is good when it comes to sticky ends.

After Adam shows the photos to everyone in the Rovers (pictured), how long will it take for people to work out Gary is not only Weatherfield’s answer to David Dickinson (albeit with the tan on his head), but a killer?

Producers: please, please, please let’s have some M&Ms – Moira and Mary scenes. They are a double act begging to be born.

SEEING RED