SOAP

Have you noticed, in soapland, that property changes hands at much lower sales rates than it does in normality? In an inspired piece of data research, money.co.uk has revealed what would be the real-life values of iconic properties in the gaming, film and TV worlds, and if you still harbour thoughts of one day owning a Queen Vic in London’s East End, dream on: it would cost you £2,083,387 – that’s a mortgage of £11,964pm. Even 45 Albert Square, where Ian lives, would set you back £855,512 (£3,651pm). If it’s worth anywhere near that, you’d think he’d have changed the ghastly wallpaper by now – or at least bought a decent suite.

Forget London would be my advice. If you head north, you could snap up the equivalent of Emmerdale’s Woolpack (based on the original pub used in Esholt in Yorkshire and adjusted for inflation) for £723,733. As for the Rovers in Coronation Street, it’s been assessed that you might buy an equivalent in Salford for a mere £351,848.

At these prices, I wonder how anyone in cash-strapped soapland has ever been able to afford an outside toilet, let alone a pub.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

‘I’m an idiot; what can I say?’

Peter to Abi, Corrie

■ BLACK WEDDING

The show is fast turning into The Incredible Shrinking Cast with Ian, Phil and Stuart all having shed a ton of weight while off-air; so much so, I’m thinking of downsizing my 60in TV. At least for Rainie and Stuart’s wedding (pictured), the photographer will be able to put away the wide-angle lens.

But will the wedding go ahead? It’s always the million-dollar question. While Stuart is excited, Rainie is in a panic over a mix-up about the dress. So would I be: half of the one she’s wearing appears to have done a runner and she looks like a box of Kleenex