SOAP

There are two choices for soapland newcomers: you’re either a long-lost relative, or you are mentally unstable and about to ruin several lives. Children discovering their parentage is always a showstopper, especially in Eastenders where Zoe discovered Kat was her mother, and Mick found out that ‘sister’ Shirley was his mum. These revelations generally take place in the pub (‘I’m yer muvver!’ Cue dramatic doof doof doof), where people don’t so much wash their dirty linen in public but set up a laundry next to the bar. And there’s another surprise this week with yet another family extension.

Meanwhile, in Corrie, Nick has found out he has a son with ex Natasha. Given that Leanne’s son Oliver (conceived with Steve – keep up!) is seriously ill, Nick’s reluctant to come clean about his secret offspring.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth reiterating: get to a family planning clinic, people! How many children does Corrie’s Steve have now? Or Eastenders’ Mick? Surely, between them, they’re close to being able to form two five-a-side football teams. Soon to be 11, if they keep going at this rate.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

‘She ’asn’ ’ad much luck with fellas.’

Carla to Sarah, about Maria, Corrie STORYLINE COMMENT?

‘This whole thing has been a complete disaster.’

Grace to Michael, Corrie

■ HANKY PANKY = FRANKIE

Frankie, the newcomer introduced with Ben’s deafness storyline, returned to the Square acting very suspiciously. Like so many dodgy female arrivals, at first it seemed as if she was going to fit nicely into the unhinged bracket (an oxymoron if ever I heard one), but this week reveals her real motive for hanging around: she tells Mick she thinks he’s her dad (pictured). Well, I had my suspicions last week (I should be writing this stuff!); maybe everyone in the country is just one degree of separation from a Carter. But come on: if you found out Mick was your

dad, you’d keep it quiet, wouldn’t you? It’s all another fine mess, with Mick’s Auntie Tina inadvertently coming on to his love child last week. I think that’s right. The Carters’ family tree is a veritable Epping Forest, bigger than the one prefacing War And Peace.

Max is apologetic over kissing Linda, but says it wasn’t a mistake. It never is with Max: if a woman stands still long enough, you can guarantee he’ll be in cheetah (and cheater) mode. Linda is thrown by her feelings, but a dead stoat must be enough to throw your emotions when you’re married to Mick. Insanely, she tells him about Mad Max.

10 YEARS AGO – CORRIE

She’s just arrived in Weatherfield with Nick’s son, but back in 2010 Natasha had Gail (pictured) fired from the GP practice for accessing her medical records to prove Natasha was stringing Nick along about an earlier pregnancy.

15 YEARS AGO – EASTENDERS

Alfie Moon was devastated to discover his beloved Nana was terminally ill with a heart condition. Nana drew up a bucket list which included getting arrested, and Alfie (pictured) vowed to do all he could to make her final months happy.

20 YEARS AGO – EMMERDALE

Having cheated on husband Paddy Kirk, Mandy Dingle decided to divorce the vet and move away. She and Paddy (pictured) had an emotional heart-to-heart, which was the show’s first ever episode with just two characters.

in this fun highlights show of the celebrity specials (The Apprentice Best Bits, Thu, 9pm, BBC1)