BEST GAGS: Bob Monkhouse

As Bob Monkhouse: Master Of Laughter (9pm, Ch5) looks back at the life of the comedy legend, here are some of his funniest jokes, which are guaranteed to raise a laugh…

● People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

● I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

● They say marriage is a great institution. So is Dartmoor and Broadmoor.

● I still enjoy sex at 68. Well, I live at number 66, so it’s no distance.

● I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn’t a bad thing, except for maybe on those long flights.

● Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

● The last time I was in Spain, I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

● My wife said: ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said:

‘Why?’ and she said: ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’

● My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

● I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

● My audiences always leave the theatre happy… we give them their money back.