SOAP WATCH

Do as I say, not as I do, applies to nearly every parent in Soapland, especially when it comes to relationships. Eastenders’ Sharon blew a gasket when faced with the idea her dead son Dennis might have had sex. Never mind that Sharon’s lived her life on the hamster wheel of carnality; no, the idea Dennis’s name might be besmirched by so base an activity sent Sharon’s eyelashes into paroxysms of watery anger.

Emmerdale’s Charity was no better when confronted with the possible union of Noah and Chloe. It wasn’t just that she viewed Chloe as a bad choice, the thought of her child being with anyone was appalling. Yet look at Charity’s sexual history... actually, don’t; there’s not enough time if you’re planning to go out on New Year’s Eve.

When Corrie’s Bethany started to show an interest in the opposite sex, Sarah would have chained her to a radiator to stop the teen’s exploits... and yet Bethany never stopped reminding her that she was conceived when Sarah was just 12.

When it comes to sex, parents in Soapland don’t just have feet of clay; they’re buried up to their necks in it.

A VERY ROCKY PATCH

As someone who suffers from globophobia (fear of balloons – a real condition), I’d probably have a heart attack walking into Sonia’s balloon fest to celebrate Rocky’s 60th birthday (pictured, inset). Maybe that’s what gives Rocky his, too – or is it just the stress of deciding to come clean in a letter to Sonia and Kaffy that makes him keel over (main picture)? As he’s carted off in an ambulance (another miraculously speedy arrival; small wonder it’s so hard for the rest of us to get an ambulance or hospital bed, with Soapland’s incessant

demand for both), will he change his mind about confessing all?

Christmas is heading for the usual tinsel traumas when both Denise and Chelsea book their weddings on the big day. Denise advises caution to Gray and Chelsea, but the latter won’t budge. Still, at least the nuptials would keep Gray away from the turkey carving knife the props department wheel out every year (along with the large paper full moon – where is it, by the way? It’s been a while). If only Chelsea had the foresight to know that when Gray says ‘I take you’, the next part of the sentence is ‘to the morgue’.