SOAP WATCH

Relationships have curious ways of starting in Soapland, and the most unlikely couples can end up together due to unpredictable circumstances. Eastenders’ Stacey and Kheerat quickly went from him bailing on their first date to her smuggling him in her car in an effort to avoid the police. None of this transpired without Stacey pulling her confused rabbit faces as she tried to work out how her love life had taken such a disastrous turn (again).

Jean was off to a flying start with Harvey by stripping off in the launderette, having been inspired by their one night of passion. He, however, was all for taking things more slowly. Fat chance. She was already on the fast spin cycle.

Events happen even faster in Emmerdale, where if you turn your back to put the kettle on, happy to see a couple getting along over a drink, you return to find they’re already engaged. And never, ever venture near those hotbeds of vice, the cricket pavilion or the hayloft, because no one can resist getting down to their smalls quickly in either.

Start-up romances in Corrie seem tame by comparison – Daisy the Devourer aside.

GRAY SKIES AHEAD

For what feels like the millionth time this year, the Argee Bhajee gets more name checks when Tina’s body is finally found. Hoo-flamin’ ray. Now, hopefully, Shirley will stop banging on about her and get back to doing what she does best – namely, bleaching her hair. Badly.

Gray remains in hospital, still not having woken from his attack, though with Karen as his visitor (pictured together) I’d recommend faking that coma for as long as possible. Alas, it’s not to be, because when Karen mentions Whitney, Gray’s eyes flicker open

with confusion (nothing new there; that seems to be his normal waking state). They’ll be flickering a lot more when he returns home and sees a headline about a body having been found. Finally, the Walford Gazette has a heavy news day, though they’ll now need a nap until at least May.

This is a traumatic time for Shirley and Mick, but hopefully it will divert his attention from his ridiculous forthcoming boxing match. Despite practising, Mick’s worried he’s not up to the challenge. Yer don’t say. Just knock him out, someone, please, if only to shut him and this absurd storyline up.