Daredevil Gus
GREAT- uncle Gus was told by his doctor that he had only a week to live. Now Gus had been around and done most things, so he accepted the news with philosophically.
He put his affairs in order, sold his car, drew all of his life savings from the bank and stuffed the money into a suitcase and returned home.
As the time approached for the appointed hour, Gus chained the suitcase to his wrist and lay down on his bed. Through the darkened house came the chimes of the old clock in the hall, heralding the arrival of the inevitable hour. From the darkness came a voice:
Voice: ‘ Gus, it is time to leave.’
Gus: ‘I am ready.’
Voice: ‘What is that strapped to your wrist?’
Gus: ‘My life savings.’
Voice: ‘ Well unchain it. You can’t bring that.’
Gus: ‘Not likely. If this stays, so do I.’
Voice: ‘ Staying is not an option — leave it.’
Gus: ‘But it took me years to amass all this. I’m taking it with me.’
Voice: ‘ Now, Gus, surely you must have heard that you can’t take it with you?’
Gus: ‘ Oh, I heard that all right, but I didn’t believe it for a minute. I mean, who would have framed such a stupid law?’
Voice (abruptly): ‘ As a matter of fact, I did, so unchain it. We are falling behind schedule.’
Before Gus could answer, another voice came from the ether, a smooth voice.
Second Voice: ‘Why not join us, Gus? We take cash and all major credit cards.’
Gus peered into the darkness.
Gus: ‘Who are you?’
First Voice: ‘Pay no attention, that is the voice of the tempter.’
Gus: ‘Well, he’s tempting me. Who is he?’
First Voice: ‘ He has many names. Beelzebub, Old Nick — you probably know him as Satan.’
Gus: ‘ Wow! Does he really have horns and cloven hooves?’
Second Voice ( with a chuckle): ‘No, Gus, that’s just their slanderous PR department at work. I get my shoes and hats from Bond Street.’
Gus: ‘ And the fiery furnace?’
Second Voice: ‘Only the ones that work the central heating. We have a nice place here, Gus, pubs, restaurants, theatres — I think you would like it. And by the way, my real name is Arthur. Incidentally his name is Geoffrey, but he prefers God. Can’t blame him, I suppose.’
First Voice: ‘Will you stop it, Arthur? This one is mine. You know our agreement.’
While the two voices carried on their argument in the darkness, Gus realised that far from being dead, he had never felt better, and quietly left the room.
Great Uncle Gus lived for another 20 years, and could have gone on longer if only he hadn’t tried to achieve his ambition to toboggan down Mount Everest on a tin tray.
As a mark of respect they buried him where he came to rest — just outside Wolverhampton.