WE’RE CHILDLESS AND PROUD OF IT! Official figures reveal a fifth of British women in their 30s now choose never to have children. But at this time of year, when attention inevitably focuses on the family, do they feel any hint of regret?
THIS Christmas the presents CarolAnn White has taken most care choosing are for the baby whose photograph takes pride of place on her mantelpiece. It shows a laughing child with huge blue eyes, blonde hair and peach-soft skin, and this image of innocence and joy never fails to make Carol- Ann smile — because each glance reminds her exactly why she never wants to be a mother herself.
While other women may ache to cradle such a child in their arms, 32-year- old Carol-Ann — the baby’s godmother — decided several years ago to put her career before having a family of her own. She is happily childless — one of a growing band of women today who choose not to have children, and so will not be spending Christmas lavishing money on their own offspring.
An astounding 20 per cent of British women in their 30s have deliberately chosen to remain childless. The dictionary defines them as nulliparae — women who have never given birth, though they are not necessarily virgins. Cast your eye around Carol-Ann’s scrupulously neat home, all neutral walls and cream sofas, Italian glass tables and enormous vases filled with flowers, and the rewards for her ‘sacrifice’ are obvious and plenty.
The global human resources director for a PR company based in London, she commands a staff of 200 based in offices throughout Europe and America. Carol-Ann works 12- hour days and catches a plane as regularly as other thirtysomethings attend mother and toddler groups.
She says simply: ‘I’m not childless — that very term implies a loss. I’m child- free, and I’m happy to stay that way.
‘When I was in my mid-20s, I made a conscious decision to pursue my career and ambitions
ahead of relationships and babies.
‘Then, at the age of 30, I was made a
company director. I remember feeling
on top of the world. That night, as I sat
and reflected on my success, I thought
seriously about what I really wanted in
life. I realised then that if I wanted to
carry on succeeding in my career, I
would be better off without a baby
holding me back.
‘ My decision wasn’t down to career
alone. My friends all turned 30 and
suddenly wanted babies. But I turned
30 and realised that the sight of small
children just left me cold.
‘ Just the other day, I was in the supermarket when I saw a toddler throwing
the most unbelievable tantrum. His
mother was red- faced and pleading,
and I actually felt scared by the sight of
this small, uncontrollable child. I
walked away fast.
‘Later that night, as I kicked off my
designer shoes, sipped my glass of
chilled Chardonnay and lay back on my
cream sofa, I thanked my lucky stars
that I didn’t have a child.
‘Every single day I enjoy the freedom.
If I were a working mother, I would
never be able to jump on a plane at a
moment’s notice and fly to America for
a client briefing.
‘Lots of my friends are married with
children, and still trying to do the same
jobs that they had before the babies
arrived. I watch them closely as they
struggle to balance work, home and the
demands of a screaming, fractious child.
‘I see them looking guilty, exhausted
and torn. I see their careers suffer, and
the worry etched permanently on their
faces. It simply reinforces to me, time
and again, that I’ve made the right
decision.’
Carol- Ann is currently single, but
claims that her decision not to have
children has not so far affected any
relationships. She insists: ‘ It would
present me with a huge dilemma if I
met a man, fell in love and then found
he wanted children. If it was early on, I
would end it immediately.
‘ When I start dating a new man, I
make my view on remaining childless
perfectly clear right away. So far, it has
never caused problems.’
SOMEWHAT paradoxically, Carol- Ann insists that she enjoys the company of children. ‘I am godmother to my friend’s two children aged three and five — they know me as Auntie Carol-Ann. ‘I love them to bits and lavish them with gifts, but I find that just a few hours in their company leaves me utterly exhausted. I watch their mother being run ragged, and I know that I wouldn’t want the limitations that motherhood brings.’
Ask further about these limitations, and Carol-Ann returns to her favourite subject — career. ‘Taking time out to have babies would delay my career progression, and I really don’t believe that women can have it all. Many certainly try, but they spend their whole lives juggling and I doubt whether any of them can be truly happy.’
Carol- Ann is far from alone in her opinions. The number of childless women in Britain has nearly doubled in just two decades. Twenty years ago, just 11 per cent of 45-year- olds had not given birth, compared with 19 per cent today. Meanwhile the overall number of children born each year has gone down by more than 10 per cent since 1990 Younger women in particular have been putting off having babies — the birth rate among those aged 20 to 24 fell by a fifth in the Nineties. When Kerryanne Delbridge, 31 thought that she might be pregnan two years ago, she was utterly horrified She admits: ‘I had a pregnancy scare a couple of years ago, and my blood jus ran cold. When I realised that it was just a false alarm, I was so relieved.
‘ Not for one second, even during those few days of doubt, did I waver. didn’t close my eyes and imagine myself cradling a baby. I didn’t look a mothers pushing prams down the street, and wonder if I would have a boy or a girl.
‘I didn’t go to sleep and dream abou what he or she would look like. I jus knew that I would be absolutely horri fied if I was expecting.
‘For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to get pregnant. I simply can’t relate to the world of baby talk and school runs and shopping at Moth ercare. Would I ever have an abortion? It would be a hard decision. I’ve jus always taken real care to make sure tha I don’t get pregnant in the first place.
KERRYANNE, a self- employed marketing consultant who live alone in Luton, Bedfordshire adds: ‘I’ve recently been acutely aware of how I’ve become a minority among my wider circle o friends because so many of them have had babies in the past few months and it’s really made me look at my life.
‘Some of the conversations I’ve had have left me feeling a little inferio because my achievements are based around my career and income rathe than motherhood.’
‘ Lots of people sneer at women like me who want to concentrate on thei careers and deliberately not have children. They seem to think that we must be selfish.
‘ But I believe I would be selfish if had children. If they wanted to go to dance classes, football training or have friends around to stay, I know I’d resent the time and effort I’d have to give into taking them there.
‘ Meanwhile, just knowing that my husband was at work while I was left a home, literally holding the baby, would drive me insane.
‘I’ve just finished a six-year relation ship with a man who was nearly 40 and happy to remain childless. Any man that I meet would have to accept my decision never to become a mum.’
And does she feel any different at thi time of year? ‘ Although I find Christma more magical around my niece and three nephews and friends’ babies, I stil wouldn’t swop the freedom that being childless brings. I marvel at the wonde on the children’s faces as they watch the Christmas lights and unwrap thei presents, but then I can bid them farewell and go out to party. I absolutely don’t want babies for Christmas.
‘ For most of my adult life, women’ magazines, TV programmes and life coaches have been encouraging my generation to follow our dreams.
‘It’s interesting that once I hit 30, the same media and so- called experts who told me in my 20s to aim high, suddenly started to warn that a girl in her 30 should think about having babie before time runs out.
‘ My own mother didn’t have the opportunity to travel the world develop her own dreams or pursue a career. I am determined to enjoy the fulfilment that she didn’t. Frankly going without a child seems a smal price to pay.’
Strong sentiments indeed. But why are a growing number of today’s thirty and fortysomethings turning thei backs on the lives and expectation their own mothers had?
Consultant clinical psychologist Claire Halsey, 47, who is married and a working mother with three sons, says: ‘Post-wa society no longer expects women auto matically to marry, care for thei husbands and raise children.
‘Today,we are all driven to reach per
sonal fulfilment and our highest goals. The different ways that this can be achieved have opened up hugely for women.
‘ We’ve also become a society focusing on personal choice and individual goal- setting. Women are encouraged to delay having children until their 30s, if they so desire. But many of those who do delay motherhood then reach their 30s or 40s realise they’ve already discovered fulfilment in their lives — without children. Human nature also makes us creatures of habit.
‘ If you have a fulfilling, rich life with a lot of choice, it’s hard to change all that for an unknown. Raising a child is the ultimate unknown. Of course, some women who have chosen to remain childless today may look back later and wish they had decided differently.
‘ But just as many will remain entirely happy that they made the right decision.’
Many of the women deciding to remain childless do so with the blessing of their husbands or longpartners. Such is the movement towards marriage with no children that the Church recently considered a new version of the marriage service, specifically aimed at such couples. These plans were dropped after objections from members of the clergy, led by the Bishop of Rochester, the Right Rev Michael Nazir-Ali.
The bishop — a leading figure in the Church of England and an adviser on religion to the Prince of Wales — stressed that it was wrong to opt out of having a family in favour of making more money, living in greater comfort or travelling. He described children as a ‘basic good of marriage and not an optional extra’.
The bishop warned of a very real danger of couples turning their back on parenthood. He said: ‘ My concern is those who marry with the intention of never having children. That is dangerous for society. Society relies on new generations replacing those who get old and die.’
But one such couple are writer Madeleine Bailey, 40, who lives in Hackney, East London, with husband Simon, 46, an IT project manager. She insists: ‘ Children have never been part of my plan. When other little girls played mummies and cradled their dollies, I wasn’t interested.
‘Even as a teenager, when most of my friends would go mushy at the sight of a baby, I’d stand there with a bored expression. When maternal instinct was doled out, I missed the queue entirely.
‘Simon and I met when I was 20. He showed no interest in fathering a child, and I was simply relieved.
‘In my 30s, we found ourselves surrounded by friends with growing bumps. I saw their scans, held their babies and I felt so happy for them — but nothing changed my mind about being a mum myself.
‘Perhaps the biggest test was seeing Ruby, my seven-year- old niece, growing up. Sometimes, as she slips her little hand into mine as we walk down the road, I can’t help wondering for a brief second what it would be like to hold my own child’s hand. To read a bedtime story, and to kiss a little head lying on a pillow.
‘But those odd pangs — particularly as my own biological deadline looms — don’t last long. If I feel my heart lurch, I tell myself briskly that I don’t have the energy, commitment and time to be a good parent. Anything less than total dedication wouldn’t be fair on a child.
AND as for Christmas: Madeleine says: ‘Not having children means that Christmas for us isn’t that stressful because there’s simply not that much to do. I’m totally in awe of full-time working mums who manage to organise not only all their kids’ presents but gifts for their children’s many friends, too.
‘ But I always look forward to spending time with Ruby — being an aunty means you can enjoy all the nice bits without the stress.
‘ I also remind myself just how much I love the freedom and spontaneity my child-free life gives me. Quality time with my husband, meals out at the drop of a hat, offpeak holidays, weekend breaks on a whim, lie-ins and time to read the Sunday newspapers.
‘Someone once described having a child as throwing a hand grenade into a marriage — and I don’t want an explosion to tear us apart. Our marriage is all the stronger because we don’t have a child.
‘People tell me they hope I don’t regret it when I’m old and lonely. Well, perhaps I will be a sad old lady with only a chihuahua and an internet chatroom for company.’
She pauses and then adds: ‘ But it’s a risk I’m willing to take.’
Additional reporting –
Sadie Nicholas