Claus and effect
FATHER Christmas felt a chill in his bones that had nothing to do with the ailing central heating in his North Pole workshop. His body began to shake. He looked again at the official letter, hoping he had somehow misunderstood its meaning, but the message was clear.
‘ They can’t do this!’ wailed. ‘They just can’t!’
Alfie the Elf, head of the UK section of the gift- wrapping department, raised a quizzical eyebrow. ‘ Wassup, Boss? You bin caught by one o’ them Gatso cameras again?’ He nodded at a huge mound of speeding tickets which served as an indoor skiing facility for the elves.
‘Worse,’ said Santa. ‘I’ve been caught by the British Commission For Political Correctness. They’ve banned Christmas in the UK.’
Alfie hardly batted an eyelid. ‘ They’ve banned everything else that gives folks a bit o’ harmless pleasure. I suppose it was only a matter of time.’
Christmas lights, cards and carols, and goodwill to all men — all outlawed to avoid offending people who never realised they were being offended. Now it was the turn of Christmas itself.
‘ In Britain I’m not even allowed to say “ Ho, ho, ho!” any more,’ yelled Santa.
Alfie realised this was serious. A ban on Christmas would make him and the other elves redundant and he would have to sneak into the UK and live on benefits.
‘ Bang goes me retirement villa in Spain,’ he grumbled.
Santa was more worried about the children. What would they do if they found no presents under the Christmas he tree on that special morning? Imagine the irate letters: ‘Dear Santa, Where’s my Slaughter In The Classroom video game?’
‘ Dear Santa, Where’s my Supermodel-in-Rehab doll?’
‘ The children will have to provide their own amusement,’ said Santa, his eyes widening in horror as the full implications sank in.
But he wasn’t about to give in. Santa contacted his deputies in department stores across the UK, and together they formed an action group called FatherChristmases-4- Justice.
SANTAwas at the forefront of the protests. He scaled the walls of Buckingham Palace and sat on the roof eating mince pies. The usual security flap followed. Within minutes the building was surrounded by police, TV crews, spectators and hamburger vans.
The Queen, standing on the balcony, turned to Prince Philip and remarked: ‘I think it’s Rolf Harris come to paint one’s portrait.’
She was not amused when she discovered the truth.
It was clear there would be repercussions. Once the festive break was over, there would be questions in the House. There wouldn’t be any answers, but the questions would be enough to embarrass the Commission For Political Correctness at a time when staff bonuses were under review.
So the commission had a hasty rethink and announced that, for the sake of the children it had reinstated Christmas. And no one was offended.
‘Ho, ho, ho,’ said Santa.
Michael Shenton, Bournemouth.