Hold tight Mrs Slocombe, it’s time for lift-off
THE number of different floors at the Grace Brothers department store in Are You Being Served? has long been a matter for conjecture.
A close study of the theme song, set in a lift and spoken over the clash and tinkle of a cash register, offers precious little help: Ground floor perfumery, Stationery and leather goods, Wigs and haberdashery, Kitchenware and food . . . going up! First floor telephones, Gents’ ready-made suits Shirts, socks, ties, hats, Underwear and shoes . . . going up! Second floor carpets, Travel goods and bedding, Material, soft furnishings, Restaurants and teas. . . . going up! Close textual analysis of these lyrics suggests that there were at least three floors, not including the ground floor. And I have a vague recollection that the spacious woodpanelled office of the Young Mr Grace was on the top floor.
Presuming that the general customer would never have been permitted to get out at the Young Mr Grace’s floor, then it’s probable that the entire Grace Brothers’ department store was four storeys high.
I thought of Are You Being Served? and its famous lift, from which Mrs Slocombe, Mr Rumbold, Captain Peacock and the others woul d e merge so jauntily, when I read a recent report that Japanese engineers are working on plans to build a lift into outer space.
Once the project is completed, 30 passengers at a time will be able to travel in a lift for 22,000 miles at 120mph. The entire journey will take a week. When the doors finally open, they will step out into some sort of space station, from where they will be able to enjoy magnifcent aerial views of earth and its surroundings, if any.
Will it all be worth it? In my experience, even the most spectacular view takes only five minutes before it becomes a bit samey. So if you allow a further two minutes for buying postcards, this gives you just seven minutes before everyone begins to get fidgety. It’s unclear what the space tourists will do then. Let’s hope there will be a restaurant, as there was in Grace Brothers.
If so, it should be possible to kill at least an hour by enjoying the view, shopping for postcards and then lingering over a chicken salad and a cappuccino. After that, there will be nothing for it but to join the queue for the lift back down.
I would estimate that the trip down will also take about a week, or perhaps a little bit less, allowing for gravity.
All very well, but I wonder if Dr Oyayashi, the mastermind behind the proposed space elevator, has really thought it all through? After all, a week may be a long time in politics but it is much longer in a lift, particularly if the ride comes without the welcome interruption of the doors opening and closing every few seconds, with old faces leaving and new ones coming in.
In my experience, the atmosphere during even the briefest journey in a lift can be dreadfully awkward, at the same time both dull and tense, with everyone trying desperately to avoid exchanging glances, and any conversation grinding to a halt under the weight of self-consciousness.
After a few seconds, most passengers simply s t and in complete silence, staring intently at the strip of numbers that indicates the floor you are coming to. Sadly this little distraction will not be available on the space elevator, as it will only have a ground floor and a top floor, with an uninterrupted journey of 22,000 miles between the two.
Music may be another problem. These days, music in lifts is much less fashionable than it once was. Until about 20 years ago, whenever you travelled in a lift you could be sure of hearing, or almost hearing, the silky strings of Bert Kampfaert or James Last and their respective orchestras as t hey glided their way through a medley of easy-listening classics.
To soothe the nerves of the first-timer, this tradition will have to be revived, though after a week of listening to Can’t Take My Eyes Off You for the umpteenth time, even the most hardened space-traveller may be forced to take an extra dose of sedatives.
OTHER pitfalls will emerge with time . Getting planning permission for a structure 22,000 miles high could prove a problem, particularly in the Home Counties, and who on earth are you going to get to do the repair works to the lift shaft?
If the space elevator is operated by Virgin, passengers should expect severe delays; then it will grind to a halt after the first few hundred miles, when they will be transferred to a coach.
Many people find that lifts cause claustrophobia, and prefer to use the stairs, but Dr Oyayashi has made no provision for an adjacent staircase. Personally, I would prefer an escalator, though you would need to hold on tight if it was going at 120 mph, and that last little leap onto terra firma would be even more nerve-racking than usual.