Make some noise for DJ Lucky Lucan
THE 30 BEST HIDING PLACES FOR LORD LUCAN
THIS year is proving to be a prime time for Lord Lucan watchers. First, a former secretary at the Clermont Club said that Lucan settled in Kenya.
Then, an antiques dealer claimed that he picked up an old watch belonging to Lucan in a South African township.
And now, two British engineers claim to have spotted Lord Lucan in the bar of the Cresta Botsalo Hotel in Botswana.
Where else might Lord Lucan be hiding? Here are the Top 30 most undisturbed locations in the world — places where no one would ever think of looking:
1 Immediately behind the exercise bike in Eric Pickles’s gymnasium.
2 In the cupboard marked ‘Heinz Baked Beans, Mother’s Pride, Findus Crispy Cod in Batter, etc’ in the larder of Heston Blumenthal’s Fat Duck restaurant in Bray, Berkshire.
3 Browsing through a much- thumbed Penguin Classic in Katie Price’s library.
4 In Janet StreetPorter’s Quiet Room.
5 Dancing behind the turntable in the Prince of Wales’s discotheque.
6 Joining Eric Joyce MP in starting a Conga line through the corridors of the House of Commons.
7 Behind the desk in Dominique StraussKahn’s study.
8 In Waterstones, Piccadilly, crouching inside a discreet little cave carved in a stack of copies of the latest Martin Amis.
9 Beneath the WELCOME mat outside the front door of Sir V.S. Naipaul’s country estate.
10 Within the wardrobe marked ‘Old Favourites’ at the Beckhams’ home in Los Angeles.
11 Joining Nick Griffin onstage in a rousing chorus of I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing ( In Perfect Harmony) to open the annual conference for members of the British National Party with an IQ above 60, to be held in a converted broom cupboard above a pub in Millwall.
12 At the ITV headquarters in London, on the fifth floor, in the file marked Barrymore, Michael: Forthcoming Projects.
13 Turning the pages for the Rt Rev George Carey as the former Archbishop of Canterbury recalls his close friendship with leading members of the Royal Family and the sage advice he gave them in a lengthy keynote speech at the Hay-on-wye festival where Carey is promoting his most recent book, Whither The Weary Traveller? My Profound Thoughts On The State Of Things Today.
14 Tucked inside the cake baked for those attending a Captain Schettino supporters’ rally in Italy.
15 Inside the tabernacle in the family chapel at Richard Dawkins’ country house in Oxfordshire.
16 Sitting inside the file marked ‘ Forward Planning’ in Ed Miliband’s office.
17 Starring as principal dancer in the Black And White Minstrels Spring Spectacular at the Empire Ballroom, Llandudno.
18 Relaxing inside the Spare Cash container at the HSBC headquarters in Canary Wharf, London
19 Starring as the back of the pantomime horse behind Gary Glitter in the all- star spectacular ‘Dick Whittington’ at the Theatre Royal, Norwich.
20 Sitting in the front row at a major retrospective of the complete cinematic
oeuvre of Yoko Ono at the British Film Institute.
21 Squeezed between Roget’s Thesaurus and the Oxford English Dictionary on the bookshelves in Lord Prescott’s study.
22 Working for the past 17 years behind the sixth desk on the left as one of Lord Alan Sugar’s apprentices.
23 Starring in a major new documentary series presented by Alan Yentob.
24 Lying doggo in an empty filing cabinet marked ‘Untold Secrets’ in the office of Princess Diana’s former butler Paul Burrell.
25 Enjoying a quiet game of Scrabble backstage with Liam Gallagher.
26 Wearing something by Stella Mccartney that fits.
27 Playing Cat’s Cradle with Abu Hamza.
28 Playing a few rounds of The Truth Game with Jeffrey Archer, Mohamed Fayed and Heather Mills Mccartney.
29 Stretching out and relaxing during a thoroughly restful flight on one of Ryanair’s most luxurious aeroplanes.
30 Hiding in the filing cabinet belonging to President Assad of Syria marked ‘Plan B’.