The agony of loving a slim woman who thinks she’s fat
Lindsey has struggled with eating disorders since her teens. And it’s not just HER life that’s been ruined...
‘I will always love Lindsey — anorexia or not’
and certainly a lot more sex, and fewer issues to deal with, but those girls weren’t Lindsey,’ he says. ‘There was a depth to her I’d never seen with anyone else: she was a deeply kind, intuitive and sensitive person. I’d fallen in love with her and I couldn’t just walk away.’
Gradually, over the next six months, noting Tom’s concern, Lindsey began to open up more to him, determined to seize control of the disease.
She says: ‘I hated being so needy and felt guilty that Tom was sacrificing so much for me. I felt very confused, not being able to trust my emotions because of my anorexia. I didn’t know if I loved him or was just frightened of being alone.’
With Tom’s support — and his cooking every weekend, which Lindsey forced herself to eat even though she couldn’t bear to watch the preparation process through fear of spotting a ‘dangerous’ fattening ingredient — she managed to regain weight and the couple bought a house together a year later. For the first time since her teens, Lindsey’s periods returned and in 2004 they were surprised and delighted when she became pregnant.
‘Sex was still very infrequent — maybe once a month — and with Lindsey’s history of low body weight we hadn’t really expected it would happen,’ says Tom.
‘The possibility that we wouldn’t be able to have children hadn’t really concerned me. I tend to be a very optimistic person, and I always thought we’d find a way somehow.’
For Lindsey, it marked the turning point and she became determined to overcome her illness.
‘I took my responsibility as a mother and the need to stay well very seriously,’ she says. ‘What I had been unable to do for myself, I found strength to do for the sake of my children. I started to learn to cook and try new foods.’
But as exhausted new parents to a young baby, their sex life, which was hardly prolific before, dwindled to virtually non- existent, causing unbearable tension between the couple. ‘I kept offering to leave, to let Tom go,’ says Lindsey. ‘I thought he could be so much happier with someone else and I wasn’t being fair to him, trapping him in this sexless relationship, but he wouldn’t hear of it.’
One night, when Nina was just over a year old, Lindsey announced she was going to move out. Devastated, Tom went out to a club, where he got drunk and ended up spending the night with a girl he met. ‘It wasn’t what I wanted at all,’ he remembers. ‘The next morning, I was terribly ashamed of myself and came home to Lindsey and immediately confessed.’ Lindsey’s reaction at first was one of anger — at Tom, herself and at the situation they were in. ‘I remember going to the supermarket, and just wandering around the aisles getting angrier and angrier, until finally I came home and started shouting and smashing crockery,’ she recalls.
‘Once I’d calmed down, I started to see things more clearly. I started to think about how supportive Tom had always been and how lucky I was to have someone who loved me so much.
‘I knew I really did love Tom, but my love for him was complicated by my difficulty in letting go sexually.’ As sordid and brutal as the confession was, it cemented them as a couple. They talked long into the night, with Tom chipping away at Lindsey’s conviction, borne of her deeprooted insecurity, that he couldn’t be happy with someone like her.
‘I kept telling her that we could be very happy if only she would stop punishing herself for everything she thought she wasn’t. I loved her, I always had — anorexia or no anorexia.
‘ People talk about the sacrifices I make choosing to stay with Lindsey, but I don’t see it that way. ‘I know I would be deeply unhappy without her, and she without me, and that, to me, is as good a reason as any for a couple to stay together.’
In 2007, their son Stanley was born and today, although anorexia is still a daily presence in their lives, they are committed to each other and ensuring their children are not affected by the disease.
Meals are always eaten together. Lindsey is very careful the children have never witnessed her being sick, although they do sometimes hear her self-hating rants.
‘If Nina notices I am upset, I will tell her: “Mummy sometimes doesn’t like herself, but she knows inside that she’s just being silly.” They don’t know I have an eating disorder. I’ll tell them when they’re older and the time is right.’
The couple have also devised a flow chart which monitors Lindsey’s negative thoughts, replacing ‘I’m fat’ or ‘I’m ugly’ with a series of prompt cards such as ‘I am loved’ or ‘I am beautiful’ which she can look at whenever she feels overwhelmed.
Their love life, however, will always be a source of conflict. Once a month, at best, is all they manage, which Tom admits he finds sad and difficult. ‘I hate the fact that she can’t enjoy her body and be more relaxed,’ he says. ‘But at least I do know that she loves me. She shows this by caring for me in other ways, cooking special meals and, of course, looking after our children.
‘I am so proud of the progress she’s made and the way she continually pushes against the limitations of her illness. All I want is for Lindsey to be happy with herself.’
BEAT is the leading UK charity supporting people affected by eating disorders. Visit b-eat.co.uk or call 0845 634 1414.