How we’ll flipping well be champions

So we’re hosting the Olympics and it’s not winning, it’s the taking part But do you really believe that, deep down in your heart? So to ensure that in these Games we don’t end up looking like fools, I’m proposing some changes, some slight amendments to the rules. For the final of the 100 metres, there won’t be a starting gun, The starter will shout ‘BANG!’ to tell the athletes when to run. When they’re all disqualified for false starts, we’ll see the Union Jack flutter Because only the Brit athlete will know about the starter’s bad stutter. The 400 metres will be run according to national trait, So the Italian won’t win, but his shoes will look great. The German will stop at a sunbed, five metres from the end And the French won’t complete a lap, because the French never bend. For any athletes from altitude, feeling homesick and alone It’ll be 400 metres uphill, so they finish closer to home. But it’ll be downhill for the Brit — ‘That’s cheating!’ they’ll all whine, Utter rubbish — everyone knows the UK is in decline. Every Brit in the boxing ring will wear shorts up to his nose So his opponents will be disqualified for continuous low-blows. The event now called the discus will be replaced by the discuss, Discussing weather in a queue, that’s another gold medal for us. Our Brit will throw his javelin, and other nations will try to match it, Only for them, it will be a requirement to also run round and catch it. No stands for the high jump, the bar held by two men instead, Two seven foot giants will hold it arm’s length above their head. But when it’s the Brit’s turn to compete, he’ll arrive to discover Ronnie Corbett at one end and Willie Carson at the other. In the velodrome the cyclists will scream ‘It’s unfair!’ Just because our wheels are round, while theirs are square. All rowers must be named Michael, and every cox must sing out loud ‘Michael row the boat ashore’, that’s another Brit gold for the crowd. Being an island, our marathon will embrace a theme of ‘the sea’ So all the athletes will run in flippers, with wavy hair compulsory. Other nations will say we’re cheating, our victory already pre-planned, But the Brit will also wear flippers — albeit one on each hand. Imagine the glorious scenes when these new rules are put into place — Nothing but Brits on the podium, having triumphed in every race. But hold on, there’s a fax coming through, oh, it’s a reply from the IOC. They say they’ve considered my proposals, but sadly, they can’t agree. It’s a list of their petty objections, designed to keep our flag off the mast. If we can’t rely on the IOC, let’s call on the spirit of our glorious past. Great Britain hasn’t been conquered since the 1066 Norman invasion Now we must face more invaders of an entirely sporting persuasion. So come forth sporting warriors of the world to the 2012 Battle of Hastings, Come forth with your banners unfurled, but it’s only defeat you’ll be tasting. And sporting defiance awaits you in London, only victory will our athletes embrace But I think I’ll just tweak those proposals, and re-submit ’em . . . y’know . . . just in case.

G. Cope, London E14.