JONATHAN CAINER

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20

IN YESTERDAY’S forecast, I didn’t tell you that you are due to be more fortunate this week than ever before. Nor did I suggest you might become any less blessed. I simply said the river of heavenly help is running through your life the same way it has always done. If it seems not deep enough, it’s because circumstances are showing you so many buckets need to be filled. That’s OK. You may be seeing a trickle where you wish you had a flood, but you won’t be left high and dry. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5601.

TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21

AS THE angry lion chases him, Tarzan grabs a vine and swings through the jungle. As he jumps into the river to swim to safety, he sees a crocodile. But he pulls himself on to a passing boat, only to see it belongs to poachers training their rifles at him and, well, you know the way these stories go. At the end of the day, the heroes and heroines have to come out OK! But how far are you from your happy outcome? It’s nearer than you think. And it’s all looking better than you fear. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22

SHOULD we envy people who get what they want? It depends on whether it is worth getting! How grim must it be to succeed at a plan only to realise you are no better off than before, or to regret the choice and sacrifice that led to it! The question is not: ‘Can you get what you want?’ It’s: ‘Can you be sure that what you think you want is the right thing to want?’ Get that sorted out and accomplishing your objective will prove surprisingly simple. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER June 23 — July 23

YOU were not put on Earth to suffer. You didn’t come here for a tough time. You were born for only one purpose — to appreciate being alive, being aware, being you! That’s what the big idea was, and still is. But lesser ideas have accumulated around you like flies, gathering round a light. Those lesser ideas are about wrestling with stress, fighting against adversity, living with fear. You need to swat a few of those now! They’re doing no good and they’re spoiling a beautiful view! As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO July 24 — Aug 23

WHEN we want a thing very badly, we have to ask ourselves: ‘Why is my sense of need so strong?’ We may also care to wonder: ‘Is this healthy?’ Or: ‘Do I have something to learn here?’ But, of course, we rarely stop and contemplate such issues. We simply think about how we can get what we want and how we can make sure we keep on getting it! You probably can get (most of) what you are after now. But whether you should is another matter. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 ‘HAPPINESS is just an illusion, Filled with sadness and confusion.’ So goes the old Jimmy Ruffin song, What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted? I quote it while Venus is in Virgo because it describes the very opposite of the experience you ought to be having and the mood you should be in. But when we have many psychological defences, a softening influence needs to be in place for some while before it can help to break these down. Don’t be too resistant to something wonderful! As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23

LIKEABLE. Interesting.

Balanced, Reasonable. Amenable. There. That’s what Libra stands for, isn’t it? Not, er . . . lazy, idiosyncratic, bombastic, righteous and argumentative? Surely, never. Apart from, maybe, times when it is appropriate to stand your ground and fight your corner. If you think something is really wrong, you’ll even rock boats you happen to be sailing on. So, let’s hope you’re not wrong about what you think is wrong! If in doubt, drop hints. Don’t spell things out. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22

THERE are some words it’s not OK to say in polite society, topics ‘nice people’ just don’t discuss. They can be alluded to but they can’t be tackled head-on. Unless special circumstances apply. Everything gets a little different then. You’ve got a particular talent for saying the unsayable and recognising what most folk prefer to ignore. It gets you into trouble sometimes. But right now, in one way at least, it’s an enormous asset. Be just a little careful how and where you exploit it! As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21

IF YOU think something can’t be done, it probably can’t be done! Indeed, it probably can’t be done, even if it can be done! Pessimistic expectations generally lead to negative outcomes. You’re aware of this. It’s why you strive to be a positive thinker. But how can you think positively about a matter if you can’t see what is positive about it? It’s my job (and pleasure) to tell you one situation is far more hopeful than you realise. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20

AH, THE good old days. Where did they go? Maybe, they never really went away! Our memories are not always reliable. Even when recalling the facts of some moment we tend to ‘edit out’ some of the feelings that went with it. We pine for the good, strive to forget the bad and it slips our mind that much time in between was neither one nor the other. You don’t want things to be as good as they used to be. You want them to be as good as they can be. And they can be. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19

PEOPLE are funny about flaws and blemishes. Some argue that they spoil the look of everything they are attached to. Others say they are the most significant aspects of any object! Just as no one can be physically perfect, our personalities can’t be ideal all the time. We can choose not to see this — or get so upset about what we feel is wrong we can no longer see what’s right. What we need is perspective! Seek that today and all will feel fine. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5611.

PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20

WHAT’S that over there? Look up! Look down! Consider this. Dwell on that. Or rather, don’t. You need to focus on a situation that needs constructive, clever intervention. You can’t supply that if your concentration is dissipated or your loyalties are divided. Perhaps you fear that you can’t supply it even if you think constantly about just one matter. It’s because you’re feeling a little defeated you’re beginning to get distracted. Stick with what you’ve started. You’ll see it through. As we entered the mystical Dark of the Moon, I looked into your future and recorded a very special forecast. It will touch your heart and lift your spirits. Call 0906 751 5612. I keep being asked if I am going to predict the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. I keep replying that if I do, I will upset all those who want the other guy to win. They won’t interpret my words as an objective, professional analysis of astrological influences. even when events prove me right, they’ll be livid with me for appearing to support their enemy. So either I must give a coded answer or put it in a sealed envelope and give it to Big Bird for safekeeping. Hmmm. I know that, four years from now, he’ll still be here!