A man with tattoos all over his face? Must be a Lib Dem activist
THE beehive hairdo is one of mankind’s finest whimsical monuments, like the Taj Mahal or the Great Pyramid at Giza — it’s big, it’s dramatic and it’s not exactly practical.
From Dusty Springfield to Marge Simpson, the beehive was a triumph of hairspray over common sense. Hours of backcombing and lacquering created a coiffure that balanced on the scalp like a stack of meringues.
At the start of the Sixties, a woman could make no bolder statement. But if that great tombstone of hair had somehow been cemented on to her head, she would have spent most of the past 50 years feeling outdated, ugly and ridiculous.
Women who succumb to the current fad for tattoos are disfiguring themselves in the same way. Designs that look original and individual now are going to appear jaded in two years, never mind 20.
Most of the patterns come from templates copied all over Europe and America — everyone has the same wolves, skulls, roses and chains.
Bodyshockers: My Tattoo Hell (C4) was packed with people boasting that their inkings were unique: that’s as daft as pretending that no one else is wearing denim jeans.
We’re born unique; no two faces will ever be identical. The fashion for adding derivative, unimaginative tattoos to arms, buttocks and most other bits is baffling. It’s not art, just fourth-rate graffiti.
But the fad will pass soon enough, leaving a lot of people drifting into middle age feeling very stupid.
Katie Piper met some of those who are already regretting their ‘ body art’. She was the right presenter, and not only because her face has
DIETS OF THE DAY: Do you fancy yogurt, seaweed and honey for breakfast? Perhaps scrambled egg with cheese and mackerel for lunch, or ground rice with mixed vegetables and tofu? The Truth About Your Dog’s Food (C5) proved some lucky pooches really do lead a pampered life. Barking mad! undergone dozens of skin grafts and surgical repairs following an acid attack in 2009; she also has a knack for persuading people to open up about their real feelings.
A wild Scots lad called Grant, whose own mother said his life was one long contest to prove he was Dundee’s ‘biggest nutter’, almost broke down in tears as he told Katie the grief his tattoo had given him: a racist word on his right eyelid, done one Saturday night after a skinful, was causing some embarrassment.
His six-year- old daughter had started to wonder what the word meant. The sight of Grant twitching in pain as a surgeon inserted a plastic cap over his eyeball and started to laser off the ink ought to deter anyone, however drunk, from blundering into a tattooist’s parlour.
Some people have no sense of the consequences, of course. Matthew from Birmingham, who proclaimed himself King Body Art, had smeared his whole face and head with tattoos. Even one eyeball was injected with black ink. Dressed in a jacket and tie, he was bewailing the tendency of people to see only an ink-stained monstrosity, never a man in a smart suit. Who could have guessed the public would react that way?
Somehow, it came as little surprise to learn Matthew was a committed Lib Dem activist.
Weedy Michael in Benidorm (ITV), who has been dragged on holiday for the past six seasons by his bickering parents and poison-tongued gran, began this series by getting a splodgy tattoo up one arm. He has been wearing a surgical bandage to hide it ever since.
This package comedy is close to its final departure. There aren’t many more laughs to be squeezed out of the ageing swingers or the gay hairdresser, and most of us are only watching for the promised cameo by Joan Collins: she’s due to turn up as the Hotel Solano’s glitzy chief exec.
But some of the performances are too good to miss. Tim Healy, as the cross- dressing dogsbody Lesley, was hilarious last night when his boss put him in charge for a day and warned: ‘With great office comes great responsibility. Here are the keys to the vending machines.’
Power went to Lesley’s head, which was missing its bouffant wig. He became a Little Hitler, sacking the staff and dragooning the guests’ children to run the hotel; meanwhile, his wig had been washed up on the beach where it was mistaken for a decapitated head.
Lesley ought to try a beehive wig. It might give him extra stature.