Our grandson’s name is so hurtful

DEAR BEL My wife and I lost our beloved son Joseph, aged 32, in March 2012, due to drugs.

He was living abroad at the time so we were unaware how far his life had spiralled downwards. Nevertheless he was always a loving son and brother.

This March our youngest daughter gave birth to a lovely baby boy, Edward.

We were so hoping they would make Joseph his middle name, but Amy’s husband David is adamant that ‘It’s their family not ours’ and says we are pathetic for wanting Joseph’s name. This has hurt us deeply as we have done everything possible to give Amy and David help buying their first home. We have also looked after their daughter so Amy could return to work.

Last night I felt so upset I couldn’t see any point in living. How can he call us pathetic? I know we are emotional but we are being made to feel that we are so wrong to want Joseph’s name.

David actually says WE have hurt THEM! We first read the chosen name on Facebook, and the middle name is David’s. I know Edward is not a replacement for Joseph, but just thought it was a done thing. Can you help?

PETER

READING your letter makes me feel like somebody watching a small group of people standing right on the edge of a cliff, unaware that it is about to crumble beneath their feet. What else can I do but shout out: ‘Be careful! Step back!’

Your family has already been hit most cruelly by a terrible bereavement. Please don’t allow that loss to be compounded by what the tone of your letter makes me fear: the loss of your relationship with your daughter and her husband, and therefore with your grandchildren.

First, let it be said that you have my sympathy, one hundred per cent.

I can easily understand why you longed for your first grandson to be a permanent reminder of your lost son, within that middle name.

Truly it would have been a beautiful thing had your daughter and her husband realised this and had the sensitivity to know how much it would have meant to you both.

‘What’s in a name?’ Well, sometimes — everything.

The mother of a stillborn child is put on the rack because a friend chooses the name of the lost baby for her new, bouncing bundle of joy.

Sisters have fallen out because the one whose baby was born first grabs the name the other one had already chosen.

Such stories can seem silly –— but only if you don’t understand the strange magic inherent in naming, which our ancestors understood so well.

You are certainly not ‘pathetic’ and only a man completely oblivious to human emotions could say that.

But now I have to tell you that you can do nothing — except to forgive your daughter and sonin- law and shake this sad, angry mood off, like a dog shakes off rainwater.

If you do, you’ll be able to pick up the threads of family life in the shape of two lovely grandchildren — blessings that give you everything to live for. If you do not, you will give those children a legacy of coldness, and even conflict.

Is there a choice? You two have to breathe deeply, think what Joseph would have wanted, and behave accordingly.

Tell me, do you have a memorial to your son? I mean something at home you can see every day and honour with flowers on his birthday? People have them in their gardens; a small carved stone can also sit on a balcony or the corner of a room.

You could consider commissioning something wonderful and unique, with his name and dates on, along with a specially chosen quotation.

Believe me, this would be an investment in peace and love.

Have a look at the inspirational website memorialsbyartists.co.uk and turn your grief into beauty.

Then, when the grandchildren are older you can show it to them, tell stories about their uncle Joseph and let his memory be treasured by the next generation of your family.