Can I save my children from the pain of my shattered marriage?

DEAR BEL RECENTLY you wrote that people generally underestimate the effects of divorce on children.

I don’t. I’m devastated that my marriage of nearly 20 years has ended.

We married young and I imagined us growing old together. We have three young children yet (despite two courses of marriage counselling over a year apart) my husband could not/would not end a relationship with a lady who worked for him.

He maintains he never had an affair, but I’ve had too much of the heart-racing feeling of finding hidden mobile phone bills, joint photos on the internet, conferences abroad together etc.

It seems he can’t stop lying to me and others just to avoid potentially difficult scenes. In the end, he admitted he’d lost his way and was a coward. It seems like he’s almost led a double life, telling me what I want to hear.

I tried to go on — giving him a second, third, fourth chance. I became paranoid, disbelieving my instincts, and was inevitably very unhappy, feeling rejected and thinking that life was not worth living at all.

I’m telling you this because I tried my hardest and so wanted to be happily married to the father of my children and I feel guilt at the end of our marriage. I’m so sad that my children now lack a mother and father who live together.

However, I realise how unhappy I was and although life is harder I feel somehow lighter — not worried about whether I am being lied to (and he’s continued to be dishonest over petty issues).

My question is — how can I guide my children through this difficult time?

I remain with them in what was the family home. Their father sees them every day, taking the two older ones to school (because he works evenings).

I accept that he needs to come into the house to see the children — even though I find this difficult and seeing him every day is really hard, although getting easier.

It doesn’t help that he hasn’t said a word about our break-up since it happened and pretends nothing has happened.

I fought hard for a number of years to save our marriage and it seems like he didn’t and has just continued in his old lying ways. How can I ensure my children are the least damaged by our split?

MARIANNE