CAMILLAGATE: THE MANUSCRIPT

Charles: Anyway, you know that’s the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one’s way along with — if you know what I mean.

Camilla: Mmmm. You’re awfully good feeling your way along.

Charles: Oh, stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out . . . Camilla: Oh! Charles: Particularly in and out! Camilla: Oh, that’s just what I need at the moment. Charles: Is it? Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can’t bear a Sunday night without you. Charles: Oh, God. Camilla: It’s like that programme Start The Week. I can’t start the week without you. Charles: I fill up your tank! Camilla: Yes, you do Charles: Then you can cope. Camilla: Then I’m all right Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.

Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.

Charles: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!

Camilla: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?

Charles: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (laughs)

Camilla: You are a complete idiot (laughs). Oh, what a wonderful idea.

Charles: My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down. Camilla: (laughing) Oh, darling! Charles: Until the next one comes through.

Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box. Charles: What sort of box? Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.

Charles: That’s true. Camilla: Repeating yourself . . . (laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now. Charles: Do you? Camilla: Mmmmm. Charles: So do I!

[Later] Charles: Night, darling. Camilla: I love you. Charles: I love you, too. I don’t want to say goodbye.

Camilla: Well done for doing that. You’re a clever old thing. An awfully good brain lurking there, isn’t there? Oh, darling, I think you ought to give the brain a rest now. Night, night. Charles: Night, darling, God bless. Camilla: I do love you and I’m so proud of you. Charles: Oh, I’m so proud of you. Camilla: Don’t be silly. I’ve never achieved anything.

Charles: Your greatest achievement is to love me.

Camilla: Oh, darling easier than falling off a chair.

Charles: You suffer all these indignities and tortures and calumnies.

Camilla: Oh, darling, don’t be so silly I’d suffer anything for you. That’s love. It’s the strength of love. Night, night.

Charles: Night, darling. Sounds if you’re dragging an enormous piece of string behind you, with hundreds of tin pots and cans attached to it. Night, night, before the battery goes (blows kiss). Night. Camilla: Love you. Charles: Don’t want to say goodbye.

Camilla: Neither do I, but you must get some sleep. Bye. Charles: Bye, darling. Camilla: Love you. Charles: Bye. Camilla: Hopefully talk to you in the morning. Charles: Please. Camilla: Bye, I do love you. Charles: Night. Camilla: Night. Charles: Night. Camilla: Love you for ever. Charles: Night. Camilla: G’bye. Bye, my darling. Charles: Night. Camilla: Night, night. Charles: Night. Camilla: Bye, bye. Charles: Going. Camilla: Gone. Charles: Going. Camilla: Gone Charles: Night. Camilla: Bye, press the button. Charles: Going to press the tit. Camilla: All right, darling, I wish you were pressing mine.

Charles: God, I wish I was, harder and harder. Camilla: Oh, darling. Charles: Night. Camilla: Night. Charles: Love you.