If these really are the 50 signs of success I’m proud to be a failure

A 55in telly. A home gym. His and hers sinks. The new symbols of making it? Come off it, says SARAH VINE

UNTIL yesterday, I thought that I hadn’t done badly for a girl from Swansea. A happy marriage, two delightful children, a decent job — I’ve even dined at No 10. Until I opened the paper, that is. For a new survey proudly proclaimed ‘Fifty things that prove you’ve made it’. Aha! I thought, I’ll sail through this one. Yet as I scanned the list of personalised numberplates and hot tubs, I realised it wasn’t to be.

I’m 47 and not an electric garage door or Aga to my name. I scored 5½ out of 50!

I’m obviously doing something wrong. Or am I? Does it matter that I don’t own an orchard? Or that my daughter does not ride ponies? Am I depriving my son of his right to a private education?

But before I plunge into complete gloom, let’s take a closer look at that list. How does my life really measure up? How does yours? And do any of these things truly count as measures of success?

1. Holiday home

WELL, obviously you wouldn’t say no to one of these. I am lucky in that I have a few friends with holiday homes, which if you ask me is by far the better option. All I have to do is turn up with a case of wine and be vaguely entertaining. Meanwhile, they are stuck with the leaky swimming pool, impenetrable local planning regs — and the ever-present threat of Ryanair shutting down their low-cost route.

2. Children at public school

PAYING £30,000 a year (after tax) just to have the children get beaten up on the way home from school? Besides, what happens if you spend all that money on them and then they decide to join the Hare Krishnas?

3. A cleaner

I LOVE my cleaner. She is my greatest indulgence. She can sew, she can iron, she knows where the stopcock is. Maria, I love you. Please never leave.

4. A nanny

OK, THIS is a tricky one. If you’re a working mother, you need some kind of childcare unless you’re lucky enough to have a willing grandparent to hand.

But since my mother is not the bottom-wiping type, that’s never been an option. So while I don’t have a nanny now the children are older, I did when they were wee.

But here’s a thought: the real sign that you’ve arrived in this day and age is that your family can afford to live on a single salary so one of you can have the luxury of actually bringing up your own children. With the help of a cleaner, of course.

5. Shopping trips abroad

IN RECENT years, it has become fashionable for young things to jet off to places such as Dubai to pick up luxury items including crocodile skin handbags and diamond encrusted shoes. My husband and I had a long weekend in Antwerp two years ago. Does that count?

6. Annual ski trips

THIS is definitely a marker of success. Short of owning a yacht, there is no quicker way to burn money than to take the family skiing.

By the time you’ve bought the kit, hired the surly French instructor to show off to his mates while you perform sweaty snowploughs, ordered four hot chocolates for 50 euros and paid for the helicopter to airlift you from the slopes to Geneva, you’ll be lucky to see change from £ 5,000 (unless, of course, you’re lucky enough to own an alpine holiday home — a real marker you’ve arrived).

7. Children’s riding lessons

I SHALL never understand this obsession. Why is it that when people make money, their first impulse is to rush out and buy a jittery animal that costs more to run than a small plane? Yes, horses are a status symbol.

8. Frequently flying first-class

THERE is nothing quite like turning left as you enter an aeroplane to make you feel like a master of the universe — especially if someone else is paying.

I have flown first- class for a work trip. And yes, it was absolutely brilliant. The best moment was when the stewardess asked if I would like Krug or Dom Perignon champagne. I asked for one of each please.

9. Driveway longer than 200 yards

VITAL to separate you from the hoi polloi. I live on a bus route that goes all the way from Acton in West London to Oxford Street in the heart of the West End — much farther than 200 yards.

10. Wine cellar

THAT depends. In Italy, practically everyone has a wine cellar. Even houses with outside toilets have wine cellars (those Italians know their priorities).

In Britain, I’ll admit, a wine cellar is pretty swanky. I know a man who has a walk-in one with air conditioning that is better furnished than my house — not that he gets to enjoy it, since his butler is the only one who ever sets foot in it.

11. Summer house

IF BY summer house you mean a damp garage full of spiders and remaindered copies of my book (if you send me a postal order I’d be happy to let you have a signed one), then yes. IN MY experience, the only people who have home gyms are a bit creepy. Who wants a room that smells of Deep Heat? A library with floor-to-ceiling shelves and one of those ladders on a curtain pole, on the other hand: now that’s class.

13. Car just for weekends

I’M GUESSING this is a vehicle that isn’t littered with old cardboard Costa coffee cups and half-eaten chocolate bars. I dream of such a car. It would be a Ferrari Dino. In red.

14. Sit-on mower

THAT’S not a sign that you’ve arrived. It’s a sign that you’re fat and lazy.

15. Personal number plate

THIS is the opposite of chic. Unless you’re Joey Essex from Essex, that is.

16. A hot tub

DUBIOUS. When my husband and I lived in Surrey for a few years, we had a hot tub in the garden. I think we used it once, whereupon it proceeded to transform into a small pond.

The trouble with hot tubs is that they’re a bit like soft-top Ferraris: by the time most of us can afford them, we’re too old and fat to look any good in them.

17. Golf membership

WHOLLY depends on the golf club.

18. Sailing weekends

MY IDEA of a sailing weekend is kicking back on the sun deck of a small yacht somewhere agreeable, such as the Aegean, while a nice man who doesn’t speak much English furnishes me with very cold rose wine and a selection of luxury snacks.

If that ever became a regular occurrence, I would, indeed, consider myself to have arrived.

19. Orchard in the garden

FRUIT trees are notoriously temperamental and require years of investment before they yield a single mouthful. I have a plum tree, which this summer produced precisely five fruits.

20. Home cinema

JULIAN FELLOWES has a home cinema system in his house in the country. I know because I’ve watched a film in it — and very nice it was, too.

But I’m not sure he would consider this facility an indicator of success. I

think the Oscar on his mantelpiece and having his name on one of the most successful TV series of all time probably does that.

21. An orangery BASICALLY, a posh greenhouse.

22. Shopping at Waitrose NOT quite as chi-chi as it used to be since they started offering ordinary people ‘free’ coffee.

I remain loyal purely on the basis that it stocks Fevertree tonic water.

23. Electric garage doors PERHAPS. I would say that having a garage that is actually used as a garage, as opposed to a room in which to house the au pair or grandma, is a luxury these days. With or without electric doors.

24. A wet room IN YEARS to come, architectural historians will look back on the early part of the 21st century and wonder why humans ever decided that swapping the tried and tested model of bathtub and tap for a smelly, mildewed cupboard with a tiny but imperceptible leak in the grouting, which will eventually, inevitably, lead to the entire kitchen ceiling collapsing, was a good idea.

They will probably blame Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

25. Designer luggage HERE’S a thing: if I was the kind of person who enjoyed stealing other people’s luggage, I would definitely search for the Louis Vuitton on the carousel at the airport.

That’s why I travel with a rather nasty Ikea suitcase that I once backed into with the car.

Still, it’s true: if you can afford designer luggage, you have not only arrived, but gone way beyond the realms of mortal travellers. 26. Going horse-racing REALLY, no. Ladies’ Day at Ascot has all the elegance and charm of London’s Leicester Square on a Saturday night.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself a regular at the Prix de l’Arc de Triomphe in France, then you may congratulate yourself on having achieved a certain level of social superiority.

27. Conservatory YOU can pick up one of these at just about any garden centre these days. Common as muck. Nice, though.

28. An Aga ANYONE who can afford to own a fuel-guzzling cooker that runs day or night regardless of whether or not you’re frying your bacon on it is definitely a cut above.

I’ve had one on my Christmas list for the past decade. Sadly, I fear our turkey will still be slumming it in the New World dual-fuel.

29. A TV larger than 55in IF THOSE Black Friday sales pictures were anything to go by, then big tellies are officially for losers.

30. Eating lobster FACT: lobster tastes of wet dog. As with many expensive foodstuffs, it’s not actually that nice to eat. People order it only to show off.

The really swish thing is to know you could have anything on the menu, then plump for the herb omelette. With maybe a modest shaving of white truffle from Alba.

31. His and hers sinks OFTEN cited as the secret to a happy marriage. I’m not sure that washing your hands in the bidet counts.

32. Log burner PERHAPS — if it were 1973.

33. TV in every room NAFF, naff, naff.

34. Member of a tennis club ONLY if it’s the Hurlingham Club. I rang them up once and asked if I could join.

I was told the waiting list was a minimum of ten years — by which time I won’t so much have arrived, as nearly departed. 35. Fridge with ice dispenser YES. To have a fridge with an ice dispenser requires having a man who can plumb it in. If you know of such a man, you are a better woman than me.

36. 400 thread count sheets READERS, I have these. How? I buy them in the House of Fraser sale at 70 per cent off. And very nice they are, too.

37. Pedigree dog SINCE time immemorial, owning an intricate and highly impractical canine with a variety of genetically engineered ailments that cost more to treat than a sick human has been the mark of the rich man.

Sadly, our Bichon Frise is not exactly breed standard. But what he lacks in looks he makes up for in personality.

38. Wine cooler SURELY this is the same as a wine cellar?

39. Taking the dog to doggy day care THAT’S just lazy. Why get a dog if you don’t have time to walk it?

40. Taking the dog for treatments SEE 39.

41. Facebook page littered with holiday pictures FINE, just as long as they’re not someone else’s holiday pictures.

42. Golf handicap under 15 I DON’T even know what that means, but I’m absolutely certain I don’t have one. Also ‘handicap’ is not very PC, is it? Shouldn’t it be a ‘golf disability’?

43. Lazy Susan THAT’S an absurd suggestion: they sell those in Ikea.

44. Picnic hamper ONLY if it’s from Fortnum & Mason — and if it was packed by the butler.

45. Matching bathrobes WHAT, as in both stolen from the same hotel?

46. Many gilets

NOW we’re scraping the barrel.

47. Cricket whites IT’S true, I don’t own any cricket whites. How can I have allowed this to happen? I hang my head in shame.

48. First name terms with the vicar ONE should never address the vicar as anything other than ‘Father’. Especially if he is your father.

49. First name terms with the pub landlord MY LOCAL pub has just been turned into a Tesco Metro, so I’m afraid I can’t help you there.

50. 2,000 Twitter followers I CONFESS, I am that person. But a large number of them are following me only because they’re in love with my husband, Michael Gove; the rest are following because they hate him.

This leaves about three extremely gentle and lovely ladies, and a man who, like me, owns a Bichon.