A pop star? I thought Kanye West was a train station!
... and other gloriously funny one-liners from this year’s comedy DVDs
MILLIONS of us will be ho-ho-hoing along with Santa this Christmas thanks to all the comedy DVDs on sale. Harry Hill, Miranda and Lee Evans are just a few of the top comedians serving up a feast of festive fun. Here, TIM OGLETHORPE picks his favourites.
LEE MACK: HIT THE ROAD MACK
WHAT IS IT? Not Going Out star Lee entertains the audience at the Hammersmith Apollo.
BEST JOKES: ‘Woman goes to a doctor and he asks her: “What’s wrong?” She says: “I feel like a wigwam and a tepee.” And he says: “The problem with you is you’re two tense.”’
‘I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said: “Please don’t bend.” So how was I supposedsupp to pick it up?’
FAMILY VIEW VIEWING? No. Adult themes. LAUGH RATING:RATI 6/10.
COST: £9 £9.99.99
LEE EVANS: MONSTERS LIVE
WHAT IS IT? Half a million people saw Lee’s recent stand-up tour — this show was recorded at Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena.
BEST JOKES: ‘I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.’
‘ Must be a nightmare living with someone who’s had Botox. You never know what they’re thinking.’
‘I gave up cigarettes to try to kick my addiction to nicotine and started smoking electrical cigarettes. Now I’m addicted to electricity. I l ick a roll-up and stick it in the electric socket.’
‘Attention Deficit Disorder: why did they give it such a long name? And why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell? It’s not even a word, just a jumble of letters.’
‘Why do people end their mobile phone conversations by saying: “Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.” They don’t start them by saying, “Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi”, do they?’ ‘ Have you ever noticed how the nearer a tattoo is to a person’s face, the madder they are?’
‘Have you noticed how quickly women change when they come
home from a night out and go into the bedroom to change? My wife goes in as Winona Ryder, comes out as Shaun Ryder.’
FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing and sexual references.
LAUGH RATING: 8/10.
COST: £12.99. RUSSELL HOWARD: WONDERBOX LIVE WHAT IS IT? The comedian at the Bristol Hippodrome.
BEST JOKES: ‘Why is abbreviated such a long word?’
‘I miss being a kid. Do you know what I miss most about being a kid? Having fun — and living dangerously. You know, eating After Eight mints at 4.15 in the afternoon.’
‘Remember how we used to pretend we’d read books at school to try to fool the teacher? “What a great book, Miss, although I hope I’m never as grumpy as the main character, that Les Miserables.” ’
FAMILY VIEWING? No. LAUGH RATING: 6/10.
COST: £10. JACK WHITEHALL GETS AROUND: LIVE FROM WEMBLEY ARENA
WHAT IS IT? Posh Jack entertains with a set including routines about his public schooldays, Wayne Rooney and his girlfriend.
BEST JOKES: ‘The school bully was very rough, he was called Atticus Montague-Hoi. He was properly rough — he’d only been skiing twice in his life! My mother told me to say to him: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Great! As we all know, the one Achilles heel all bullies have is rhyming verse. They hear poetry and their powers just melt away.’
‘Algernon, my best friend, is a proper, like, geezer and rebel. He once drank an entire glass of red wine at dinner — with fish!’
FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing and adult themes.
LAUGH RATING: 5/10. COST: £10. AL MURRAY: ONE MAN, ONE GUVNOR
WHAT IS IT? The outspoken pub landlord puts the world to rights on stage at the Theatre Royal, Bath.
BEST JOKES: ‘Who needs teachers when you’ve got Google? Google isn’t inebriated on a Tuesday, it doesn’t take a third of the year off — or knock off at 3.15pm. I’d close all the schools and give all the kids laptops.’
‘Gap years, son, gap years? How about you take your gap year in Afghanistan? You’d “find yourself” there, all right. In a foxhole being shot at!’
‘Jesus said love thy neighbour, but I don’t think he took into account the invention of resident parking permits and the abuse thereof.’
‘Those are the rules. Where would we be if we didn’t have rules? I’d tell you where we’d be — France!’
FAMILY VIEWING? No. Expletive-ridden adult humour.
LAUGH RATING: 6/10. COST: £10. HARRY HILL LIVE: SAUSAGE TIME
WHAT IS IT? Madcap fun with Harry (pictured, right) at Grand Theatre, Leeds.
BEST JOKES: ‘Mum phoned from hospital and said: “I’m in bed with Morrissey.” I said: “Mum, I think you’ll find you’re in bed with MRSA.” ’
‘A rabbit needed a brain transplant but they could only find the brain of a hare. It was successful, although I have noticed that a lot of his schemes have since become increasingly … ill- conceived.’
‘I don’t keep up with technology. I’ve just got my holiday tapestries back from the weaver.’
‘I’ve just come back from drooling over an East European leader. You could say I slobbered on Milosevic.’
FAMILY VIEWING? Mild vulgarity. LAUGH RATING: 9/10. COST: £10. FRANK SKINNER LIVE: MAN IN A SUIT
WHAT IS IT? Frank skewers targets from fame to picnics and Prince Charles at London’s Leicester Square Theatre.
BEST JOKES: ‘I like the idea of Robin Hood wearing green so that he could hide in the foliage in Sherwood Forest. But what did he do in autumn?’
‘Seeing my wife and I argue is like watching your favourite band in concert. First we go through some new material then we start rolling out our greatest hits, like the grudge I’ve held against her since 2005.’
FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing and sexual references.
LAUGH RATING: 5/10. COST: £10. SARAH MILLICAN: HOME BIRD LIVE
WHAT IS IT? The Geordie lets rip at Newcastle’s Tyne Theatre.
BEST JOKES: ‘I was looking round a house with a view to buying it and a builder friend, knowing how little I know about houses, said: “You need a damp proof course.” I genuinely said: “I haven’t got time to go to college.” ’ ‘Kate Moss said: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” She’s obviously never had millionaire shortbread, has she?’
‘The only time I see a photograph of anybody who looks like me in a woman’s magazine is under the word “Before.” ’
FAMILY VIEWING? No. Swearing.
LAUGH RATING: 6/10.
COST: £10. JASON MANFORD: LIVE TOUR 2014, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
WHAT IS IT? The Mancunian at the Liverpool Empire Theatre, in front of 2,500 people on everything from buying painkillers to kids’ toilet habits.
BEST JOKES: ‘The BBC is like the Super Mario computer game: there’s a boss at the end of every level.’
‘Predictive text can be a nightmare, can’t it? I once sent a very serious letter of complaint, in a hurry, that ended with the words: “Retards, Jason Mangoes” instead of “Regards, Jason Manford.” ’
‘I rang up a well-known British gas company recently and said I wanted to pay my bill. The lady on the phone said: “Have you got your customer service number, sir?”
‘I said: “I haven’t got it.” She said: “Well, we can’t proceed if you haven’t got that number.” And I said: “Why?” She said: “Fraud prevention.” I said: “What sort of fraudster is going to ring up and pay other people’s bills for them?”
‘A fellow goes for a job interview and the interviewer says: “What’s your greatest weakness?” And the man says: “Honesty.” The interviewer says: “I don’t think that’s a weakness.” My friend says: “I couldn’t give a monkey’s what you think.” ’
FAMILY VIEWING? Occasional swearing, mostly clean humour. LAUGHTER RATING: 9/10.
COST: £10.