JONATHAN CAINER

Dear Jonathan, On Friday, you said Mercury is retrograde. I thought we were just ending a retrograde period. I’m confused. Nicole Dear Nicole, You’re confused? It must be Mercury retrograde! These cyclical opportunities for review and reflection can give rise to uncertainty. If a misunderstanding arises, a car develops a fault or a computer crashes, someone says: ‘Oh, it must be Mercury retrograde.’ Because the dates are rarely listed in diaries, someone else nods knowingly. Often, that’s unfair. These phases last three weeks and we get a couple each year. One is happening now. It’s not Armageddon!

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 WE LEARN from an

early age that it isn’t always good to say what we feel. We must be polite and discreet. We must review all comments with our internal PR department before we release them. Yet you now face a situation where optimism itself is seemingly taboo. Each time you express hope about a subject, it meets a bad reaction. Before you can phrase your own expression of enthusiasm more carefully, you may need to understand someone else’s pessimism. But you are right to feel positive this week. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message for you: 0906 751 5601. TAURUS Apr 21 - May 21 I’M TEMPTED to say prepare for the worst. But I won’t succumb to that temptation, even though Venus soon forms a right angle to Saturn. This is not an omen of bad news; it merely portends a bad mood. And from a bad mood, bad news always looks more likely. Arguably, if you indulge such an expectation, then when only a small disappointment occurs, it will seem trivial by comparison. If if you really want to trick yourself this week, trick yourself into believing the best

may yet happen. This could well be true. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake but it will make everything feel better. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22 ‘GEMINIS,’ so the

textbooks tell us,’ love to feel they have the answers to life’s questions.’ I sometimes wonder whether that is fair comment. It seems to me as if the truly typical trait of those who share your sign, is a tendency to question every answer anyone else proposes. Or, to put it another way, you don’t just want to have the answers, you want to have better answers! But, if that is so, how can there be a better answer to this week’s biggest question than the one now on offer? Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5603. CANCER June 23 — July 23 WHERE do you keep the kettle? Where is the teaspoon? How about the mug? If we are talking here about your own home, such questions are easy to answer. You picked out the places for these utensils so long ago, that you may not even recall the process by which you made the choice. But you certainly do remember the answers that you came to. Were they right? Is there, perhaps, a better way to arrange your kitchen? Your way, is the right way — at least for you. That applies to many other levels this week. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message for you: 0906 751 5604.

LEO July 24 — Aug 23 WHERE are the members of your fan club? At what address do they abide? When and where do they meet, in order to sing your praises? What about your enemies, critics and detractors? Do they have an HQ? Who is acting president of their association? When they send out the reports of their conversations, how many copies are you sent for your consideration? You may be hearing too much, this week, from the wrong folk and not enough from the right ones. Take greater care about who you heed. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake but it will make everything feel better. Call 0906 751 5605. VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 TO SOME extent, we all dress to impress. We are keen to convey a message about ourselves. We want others who make even a passing glance in our direction, to get an instant idea. We want to be taken seriously and shown respect. Is someone else now being more effective in their attempt to exude an air of authority than you are? Are you so worried about earning their approval that you have forgotten that it is they who should be deferring to you? This week, you

can redress that imbalance. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23

NOT every house is a

home and not every home is a house. We all understand the second point, especially if we dwell in an apartment. Sometimes, though, the importance of that first statement is inadvertently forgotten. If a house looks like a home, we imagine it must be one. If someone looks as if they know what they are talking about, we assume we should heed their words. In your life now, too much attention is paid to a superficial appearance. This week, you need to see beyond that. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message for you: 0906 751 5607. SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 THEY say: ‘You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.’ Some vegans may disagree. Either they would argue that ‘there are egg substitutes available’ or that ‘eggs are high in cholesterol’. Nutritionists might proffer a counter-argument: ‘Ah, but eating eggs doesn’t raise human cholesterol.’ It is all a distraction from this week’s key question. Must eggs be broken at all? Is there a way to get a result that involves doing less damage somewhere to something? It turns out that there is. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake but it will make everything feel better: Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21

IF YOU do

this, will they do that? If they do that, what will you have to do next? Life is not a game of chess, and logic is not the only appropriate tool to apply to a sensitive situation. This week, you should draw less on your impressively high IQ and let yourself be guided by your emotional judgment. If you do what is fair, kind, reasonable, even generous, how are you putting yourself at a disadvantage? Don’t see yourself in an adversarial situation. What you need (and can have) is co-operation. Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5609. CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 NO COMPASS can function reliably in close proximity to a magnet. Instead of responding to the natural pull of the earth’s pole, it becomes attracted to something much smaller, yet much nearer. Many believe we are born with a moral compass that can naturally guide us through life. But for this to operate accurately, we must be wary of temptations. An intense need or desire may be highly transient and local but it will soon draw all our attention. Events this week put you back in touch with the bigger picture. I have important news about the big changes due in your life. Pick up the phone for a very special message for you: 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 IF YOU intend to walk across a high wire, stretched, perhaps, over some yawning chasm, should you permit yourself to feel fearful? That depends on how careful you intend to be. If you are planning not so much to walk, as to hop, skip and jump, you might be better advised to dive deep into your inner well of terror and drink freely from the reservoir of icy anxiety, until it sobers you up a little. If you are already nervous, you need do no more. Be respectful (but not in awe) of the risk this week. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake but it will make everything feel better. Call 0906 751 5611. PISCES Feb 20 - Mar 20 IMAGINE Mozart waking up and feeling blue because he can’t think of a nice tune to hum. Or Leonardo da Vinci worrying because he can’t decide what to put on his wall. Or Stella McCartney having a wardrobe crisis. Whether your own natural talents are quite as obvious and synonymous, you have them — and where you have them, you have them in abundance. Something about your challenge this week, may make it hard for you to see how well blessed you are with the ability to rise to it. But you are! Do you really need to be worried about the future? Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to a happier life. Call 0906 751 5612.