JONATHAN CAINER
Hello Jonathan, Your recent mention of the Full Moon reminded me of the time I met an Aura Vampire in a bar. It felt as if this person had penetrant energy that went directly through my aura and sucked away all my cheerfulness. I could not defend myself against it. If I were the street, this guy was a pneumatic drill, penetrating through the surface and extracting something deep and hidden. Never since have I met a person who could change an atmosphere that fast. Vampires are out there! But it is not blood they are after! J. G.
ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 ‘YOU can’t judge a book by looking at the cover.’ Yeah, right. So why do major publishing houses employ highly-paid designers? It must be much fairer to say that you can judge a book by looking at the cover, but that it is perfectly possible to misjudge it! Booksellers probably don’t care whether or not those images and typefaces convey an accurate impression of the contents, as long as they encourage readers to make a purchase. Be aware, today, that appearances make a big difference. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 0906 751 5601.
TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21 THERE is a big, nay crucial, difference between an astrologer telling someone that ‘today, you are not likely to win the lottery’ and saying ‘this is not your lucky day’. A person can have the most amazingly lucky day, involving all kinds of serendipity, nearly endless convenient and uncanny coincidences, plus a plethora of positive news. Yet this still won’t amount to enough good luck for a lottery jackpot. For that, it isn’t luck that’s needed but a miracle! Follow more feasible routes to success today. Your latest light-shedding, hope giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5602.
GEMINI May 22 — June 22 PEOPLE who feel the need to burn their bridges are usually best advised to wait until they have first crossed their rubicon. And if they happen to still be on the same side of the river that they might one day wish to cross, they should certainly avoid piling up sandbags, pieces of junk and old, broken, delivery carts so as to render the viaduct inaccessible. You are closer than you think now to a change that brings permanent, positive benefit. Try to keep all your options open for the time being. I’ve got a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5603.
CANCER June 23 — July 23 TEACHERS know that even the brightest students don’t grasp every new principle the first time it is explained to them. We are all creatures of habit; we prefer to follow the mental pathways and patterns to which we have become accustomed. Making a new connection in the brain is a bit like throwing a lasso at a moving object — it may well take more than one
attempt before a successful link is made. You have been struggling to make sense of a situation. Stick with it a little longer and all will be well. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 0906 751 5604.
LEO July 24 — Aug 23 ‘OOH, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.’ So sang Belinda Carlisle in 1987. She is a Leo, so she must know her stuff, and you can certainly trust her assertion today. For all that life has its ups and downs and its moments of intense pain and angst, there is something wonderfully magical about our existence here on this planet. And there is every reason for you to expect a comforting, inspiring experience soon, which reminds you that your life has real meaning. Your latest light-shedding, hope giving, heartwarming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5605.
VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 YOU feel as if you are being challenged by someone or something. Each time you make a decision, new events arise and these cause you to reconsider your choice. You think that you know what’s going on, then suddenly you begin to wonder if you know anything at all. Try not to take any of this personally. We all get days like this from time to time. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with our judgement or that we need to atone for some error we have made in the past. Rise to the challenge. Trust yourself! I’ve got a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5606. LIBRA Sep 24 - Oct 23 DO YOU keep your marmalade in the cupboard? When you open the door, do you expect to find the jar sitting there, just where you left it last? Where is it when you close the door? It might travel round the world for all you know. As long as it returns the moment you decide you want to spread some on your toast, how will you know the difference? Unless, that is, your cupboard has a glass door. Perhaps today’s most crucial question is: ‘Can what you can’t see really harm you?’ I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 0906 751 5607.
SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 YESTERDAY, we discussed the contractual term, force majeure, sometimes also referred to as ‘an act of God’, although legal experts argue that the two things don’t have quite the same meaning. Atheists, of course, cannot sign up to any agreement that allows for the existence of a power in which they steadfastly refuse to believe. Is there a degree of divine intervention occurring in your life now? How else can you make sense of the way in which a hand is being forced? Yet really, this isn’t such a bad thing. Your latest light-shedding, hope giving, heartwarming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5608
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 SAGITTA-RIANS value their independence. They hate to feel they must dance to someone else’s tune, or cramp their own style out of deference to another person’s method of self-expression. Unless they are making such a gesture of acquiescence in a spirit of magnanimity. You will be generous, even self-sacrificing, if this affords you an opportunity to prove your own natural largesse. Try to see what might otherwise look like a defeat today as such an opportunity. I’ve got a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5609.
CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20LIFE, said Shakespeare, ‘is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’ Is this what the Bard himself believed? He made Macbeth say it and many have believed it since. But then, are we not all capable of expressing one intense opinion when it suits our mood and another when we are feeling more sweetly disposed towards Fate? Apply equal sincerity now to the enthusiasm with which you embrace hope, as you recently did to the concern that awoke a sense of defeatism. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 0906 751 5610.
AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 WITH each passing day we grow closer to the culmination of the seventh in a series of rare squares between Uranus and Pluto. This is the final iteration, the denouement of a drama that has been unfolding for several years. It may be that by this time next week, nothing has changed in your circumstances. But inwardly, you will have passed the very turning point that you can now feel yourself to be approaching. Believe in the life-changing choice that you are making. Your latest light-shedding, hope giving, heartwarming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 0906 751 5611.
PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 HAVE you ever watched those rolling news stations where breaking stories are discussed live on air as fast as they come in? The broadcasters don’t know what to say, so they interview experts. The experts don’t know enough facts to comment, so they waffle. The broadcasters then repeat the waffle to other experts, who then waffle some more. But until more facts emerge, nobody is any the wiser. Ignore the debate that now surrounds a drama. You will know more when you know more. I’ve got a very special message for you. Give me four minutes and I’ll give you the key to your future. Call 0906 751 5612.