Next to Poldark, even Michelangelo’s David would look like a blob of lard

Man takes off shirt! Who cares about the election, the euro crisis, the Ukraine, the icecap . . . there’s only one headline causing sensation today.

Cap’n Poldark whipped off his shirt as he took a scythe to his meadows, and a nation swooned. there hasn’t been such a hormonal kerfuffle about the telly since Colin firth as Mr Darcy went swimming fully clothed in Pride and Prejudice.

true, actor aidan turner didn’t get much hay harvested in Poldark (BBC1). He looked more like a ballet dancer than a farmhand, swinging the blade with a half-pirouette that showcased every muscle in his torso from his abs to his obliques.

But aside from the occasional viewer who had switched on expecting to see an 18th-century edition of Countryfile, there weren’t many paying attention to how the harvest was going.

an extraordinary variety of noises was issuing from the sofas of Britain. Some sounded like a female Sid James, a sort of high-pitched ‘Phwoaarrr!’ others were squealing, or squeaking, or letting off a shrill sigh like an oldfashioned kettle. Many were drumming their fluffy-slippered feet on the carpet like thumper the rabbit.

Women who thought they had forgotten about that sort of nonsense years ago suddenly discovered that they remembered it after all.

no female was safe — even Martina navratilova, if she was watching, must have started to feel her racquet strings twanging a little.

Most male viewers, on the other hand, were overwhelmed by a feeling of hopelessness. We usually reckon we’re in good shape when we can see our toes without craning our necks.

But that scythe swung like a death sentence to our vanity. at our very slimmest and fittest, we couldn’t hope to compete with the Cap’n. let’s face it, next to Poldark, Michelangelo’s David would look like a blob of lard.

oddly, the love scene minutes early had been much less stirring. Ross took his flame-haired serving wench in his arms and snogged her, before unlacing her stays — which seemed to come undone with very little argument.

But this didn’t set the nation’s pulse racing in the same way. It appears the Poldarkettes prefer to have their hero all to themselves, rather than sharing him with Demelza, played by eleanor tomlinson.

Poor eleanor. While Britain is obsessed with aidan, she could bounce naked on a Spacehopper down truro High Street and no one would take a blind bit of notice.

Mind you, we might not even see her, thanks to the drama’s one big failing — some of the scenes are just too murky to make out. the lighting department has taken its cue from Wolf Hall: never use a spotlight when there’s a candle to hand. Down the copper mine, on a midnight poaching expedition and in the bedroom, it was impossible to see what was going on.

the Beeb will tell you this is historical authenticity, but there’s too much Dark in this Poldark.

over on the other side, things were looking bad for Mr Selfridge ( ItV). Jeremy Piven as the dashing shopkeeper has the same piratical glint in his eye as aidan turner, but he’s been comprehensively out-scowled.

Sulk and brood as he might, Harry Selfridge is no match for the Cap’n, and his ratings have tumbled to a mere three million. a ‘closing down’ sale looms.

Villainous lord loxley (aidan Mcardle) might not survive the final episode: he’s so red-faced and choleric that his head seems about to pop. and somebody please send dodgy Victor, the former Selfridge’s cafe manager, to Parkhurst — not for running an illegal gambling house and drugs den, but for crimes against credible plotlines.

We won’t miss them. But we will miss Zoe Wanamaker as Princess Marie, with her Russian meerkat accent and her extraordinary head foliage.

Growing out of her hair this week was a construction of ruched red and gold silk, with a feathered plume that suggested an albatross somewhere was missing a wing.

the princess was cheerful, because her jewels had been smuggled to her from Russia. But you can bet she’d trade every one of her gems and baubles to be in Cornwall, as Poldark’s long-lost auntie from St Petersburg.