Labour have poached our egg policy . . .

THE GENERAL ELECTION COOKERY COURSE

Each week, a leading political figure answers your culinary questions. This week: conservative Party chairman Grant Shapps.

Q: Good morning, Grant. What’s the best way to boil an egg?

A: Absolutely. And that’s something that, frankly, Ed Miliband and his team simply couldn’t understand in a million years. Q: Could I repeat the question, Grant? Could you advise me on the best way to boil an egg?

A: Look, boiling an egg is something I’ve always been very clear about and I’m happy to repeat the recipe for you. It’s perfectly legal.

But first things first. And let’s be very clear about this. If you want an egg boiled, what you don’t want to do is to ask Ed Miliband. We’ve worked this out and by our reckoning, every single egg he is planning to cook in the next five years will be underboiled and, frankly, desperately runny.

And of the remainder, over 85 per cent will be over-boiled and, frankly, rock hard. It’s a proven fact. I just thought I’d leave you with that. Q: But how do you boil an egg? What’s the best way, Grant?

A: Look, I know that there are plenty of hard-working families out there who want to know the best way to boil an egg, and it’s very important that these people know that we have a clear plan, a clear eggboiling programme that will produce an egg that is, frankly, ‘just right’ every time. And I think they have confidence in our eggboiling initiative as opposed to the egg-all-over-the-kitchen-floor chaos of Ed Miliband and Labour. Q: So how should I start to boil my egg, Grant?

A: Absolutely. Let me make this clear. First things first. The egg itself is of crucial importance. There’s no way you can cook a boiled egg if you haven’t got an egg to begin with. And that’s something the Labour Party simply don’t understand. And I’ll leave you with this thought as well. You shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket. Absolutely. Q: But there are photos taken of you not all that long ago putting all your eggs in one basket.

A: I may have misremembered. Anyway, this was seven, eight, nine, ten years ago. It was perfectly legal. Eggs were very different then. And so were baskets. Absolutely. Q: So how long does it take to boil an egg?

A: Look, let me say this. The issue is this. Let me finish the point. I

don’t think I could really make it any clearer. Q: I’d like to pin you down, if I may, Grant. Exactly how long does it take to boil an egg?

A: Absolutely. Between ten and 15 minutes. Q: Between ten and 15 minutes? That seems a very, very long time, indeed. Most cookery experts suggest something more like three-and-a-half to four minutes, depending on how you like it.

A: Fine. Right. Absolutely. It’s perfectly legal. In fact, I never said between ten and 15 minutes, you’re misquoting me. What I, in fact, said was more like threeand- a- half to four minutes, taking all the different factors

into account. Q: I could have sworn you just said between ten and 15 minutes.

A: Fine. You’re quoting me out of context. So I might have misremembered. It’s perfectly legal. Absolutely. In fact, if you do the maths, you’ll find that if you divide 15 by four — and it’s my passionate belief that a hardworking family of four deserves at least one egg each — then you’ll get between three-and-a-half and four minutes.

So let’s not be negative. Instead, I’d like to focus on the wider issue of our whole approach to the boiled egg.

And let me say this: the Labour Party under Ed Miliband are determined not to talk about boiled eggs because, frankly — let me just finish this point — they’ve never boiled an egg in their lives.

And, to be clear, their best ideas are all poached from us. Q: I’d like some toast with my egg, so can we move on to the toast? What’s the best way to make toast, Grant?

A: I don’t apologise for making toast. Making toast is perfectly legal. I’m very proud to have made toast. We need more men and women of proven ability in Parliament who have a history of making toast.

But the real issue is this: we have a clear plan for making toast, as opposed to the chaos that is Labour. Q: Any tips on how to make toast?

A: Let’s make this absolutely clear. I don’t make toast and have never made toast. End of story. Q: But didn’t you just say you were proud to have made toast?

A: That was 30, 40, 50 seconds ago. I must have misremembered. Absolutely. First things first. Anyway, it’s all perfectly legal.