The ABC of DIY is a pain in the BTM

We went to that Ikea place A wardrobe there to buy, We looked around and chatted, Such choice they have — oh, my! Then we finally settled On one which looked quite nice, Yet, really, when I’m looking back, Not sure I’d do it twice. We took the wardrobe’s number And went out to the store Where it’s in convenient flat-pack So you can get it through the door. We had to put the back seats down And leave the hatch ajar, The wife sat bending over, So she could get into the car. We struggled to the bedroom, The cardboard box was tossed, Took out the little leaflet, ’Twas then I thought: ‘I’m lost!’ It wasn’t quite my first time, I’d had an earlier try, Some years ago I’d struggled with Similar stuff from MFI. The sides and back were lettered, A sketch of what to do, An enormous list of bits and bobs — But missing one or two. I scanned the text quite briefly (That was error number one), Popped out to get my tool box And wasn’t too long gone. Some dowels were then inserted In holes marked A and E, The wardrobe looked a funny shape, Well, it certainly did to me. The doors hung slightly wonky, Some drawers just didn’t fit, And after several stressful hours I was a bit fed up with it. It all ended in frustration, My new attempt at DIY, I’ll now buy stuff ‘assembled’ — Can’t stand to see a grown man cry!

John Hyde, Chellaston, Derby. A FOOTBALL manager, sacked after relegation, eventually found work as a lift operator. However, he would only allow the lifts to ascend, maintaining his stance that they were too good to go down.