Help! I don’t desire my partner

QUESTION: When I moved in with my partner in my late 40s, I was drawn to his loving personality and the fact we had many shared interests. But I was never truly sexually attracted to him. Eight years on, I have no desire to have sex. He’s upset and baffled, but I don’t know how to remedy the situation. Help!

ANSWER: People get together for all kinds of reasons and sexual attraction doesn’t have to be the motivating factor.

Indeed, unions entirely based on sex can swiftly fall apart when the erotic flame falters — while ones based on companionship and compatibility can weather all storms.

I presume there’s nothing obvious your man can do to inflame your senses? If you have even a flicker of doubt, it’s worth seeing a qualified sex therapist together, because sometimes all that’s lacking is a dose of imagination and willpower.

But if it really is him, not you — and not what he’s doing in bed — then it’s time for a heart-toheart talk. You can’t carry on like this.

He loves and desires you, but is confused and wounded by your rejection. This must be crippling his happiness and sense of selfworth and making him even less attractive to you.

Meanwhile, you are carrying the burden of a truth not told.

Difficult though it is, you need to explain to your man that you don’t feel any desire and that it isn’t his fault. Tell your partner he’s a wonderful, fascinating individual, but you’re not sure you can make an erotic relationship work.

Once you’ve opened the door to a more truthful dialogue, who knows what fresh ideas might ensue. Many middle- aged couples find sex has run its course, but it’s amazing what two loving people can do if they make the proper effort to be kind and truthful.