AN INSPECTOR CALLS

CALCOT Manor is a real stayer — and in the process has morphed into a fully-fledged resort rather than just a swish country house hotel in the Cotswolds.

When we arrive at teatime (the best cream tea ever and you only need to order one at £10 to do two) children are running around in high spirits, their parents running after them, failing to keep some semblance of order.

Overall, there are 35 bedrooms, two restaurants (one in the conservatory, the other in something called The Gumstool Inn, which is themed like a pub and makes Disneyland look authentic), a huge spa and gym, an outside hot tub near a roaring fire, tennis courts, a play zone, climbing frames, assault course, jogging trail.

But, thank goodness, you can still do nothing at all, hiding in your comfortable room or grabbing a sofa in the drawing room.

Before dinner, I simmer in the hot tub and am joined by a thirtysomething couple who arrive with a bottle of bubbly and plastic glasses. ‘I’m not with you, Gary, because you’re Mr Perfect, I’m with you because I love you,’ says the woman. ‘So when you’re having a bad day, I want you to tell me. I want you to be honest.’

‘But when I come home, I don’t want to talk about the office,’ he replies. ‘I want to forget everything.’

At dinner, we get the impression that the all- things- to- all- people approach is under strain. We sit down at 8pm and order one of the specials, only to be told ten minutes later it’s finished.

Even more criminal, our drinks take 20 minutes to arrive, clashing awkwardly with our starters and then there is another interminable wait for our main courses.

A gay couple are at the table next to ours and there’s more plain-talking.

‘I don’t feel you’re ready for the enormity of my moving in,’ says one of the women.

‘I wouldn’t have asked you if I wasn’t serious about it,’ says her partner.

Calcot Manor is an expensive treat; something of an upmarket Butlins and, clearly, a good place to sort out relationship issues.

Calcot Manor Tetbury, Glos GL8 8YJ Tel: 01666 890391, calcotmanor.co.uk Doubles from £290 B&B