Fasten your seat belts, here comes Ayr Force One
GOOD morning, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Ayr Force One for the inaugural flight of Progressive Airways’ new shuttle service between edinburgh and london Westminster. If those of you who refuse to speak english would care to put on the headphones provided, all announcements are available in simultaneous Gaelic translation, courtesy of BBC Alba.
Progressive is the official airline of the Scottish National Party, a proudly independent, equal-opportunities transport provider. We welcome passengers from all ethnic backgrounds and belief systems — except, of course, the english, the Red Tories and ‘No’ voters.
We are particularly keen to attract customers from the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, transvestite, questioning and bi- curious communities, as well as non-homosexual men in kilts.
I’d also like to welcome on board one of our celebrity frequent fliers, Sir Sean Connery, who has just jetted in to Scotland from tax exile in the Bahamas to lend us his support. See you, Double-O-Seven! Please accept our apologies for the delay in the launch of Ayr Force One, which was due to start last September but failed to get off the ground because of a shortfall in projected passenger numbers.
We stuck to our business model and refused to accept that temporary setback. And as a result it is my pleasure today to extend a very warm welcome to our 56 newlyelected SNP MPs who have joined us on our maiden flight south.
We are confident that we can provide a strong alternative to British Cameroonian, even though two other airlines have recently suffered spectacular collapses.
Progressive is a full service operator, unlike some of our low budget, no-frills competitors, who are only in the business so they can cut services and generate huge profits for their millionaire, nondom owners.
We are proud to provide all our passengers with unlimited, unrestricted anti-austerity return tickets, completely free of charge. Once we have reached our cruising altitude we will be passing through the cabin offering complimentary snacks and beverages, including a traditional selection of deep-fried Mars Bars, pakoras and pizzas.
Our Gleneagles-trained chef has also prepared a special commemorative menu to celebrate this historic flight.
Why not start with some delicious Scottish caviar from our homegrown, free-range Sturgeon or a bowl of our award-winning artisan electric soup?
And for your main course, you can choose between Wi l d Salmond, poached in pink champagne, and fillet of Angus Robertson beef. The menu can be found printed on the sick bag in the seat pocket in front of you.
We AlSO offer a full bar service, including premium brands such as Tennent’s Super and Smirnoff Ice, which we are stocking specially for the new member for Paisley and Renfrewshire South, Mhairi Black, who we are privileged to have travelling with us today. Mhairi regards Smirnoff Ice as the drink of the Gods.
You may care to raise your glasses to toast Ms Black, who at just 20 years old has defeated labour’s Douglas Alexander to become the youngest MP since the 17th century. On yer go, Mhairi doll! However, we regret that the drinks trolley is the only service on our flight that is not complimentary as we are required to adhere to the Scottish government’s minimum pricing policy, designed to combat alcohol-related violence.
And please be advised that alcohol should only be consumed in accordance with the new Scottish drink-drive laws. Passengers will be limited to a small glass of wine, a single whisky or two-thirds of a pint of beer. Something like that, any- way. No one’s quite sure, so best stick to Irn-Bru. Passengers will be subjected to random breath-tests after their meal.
I should also remind you that it is a criminal offence to smoke on this flight and that includes pipes, rollups, spliffs and e-cigarettes.
Please familiarise yourself with our state-of-the-art, in-flight entertainment service. On our classic movie channel, you’ll find Braveheart, which tells of William Wallace’s heroic struggle for independence against the english scum, like that woman who wrote Harry Potter, and Scottish traitors like Sir Alex Ferguson.
We are also very pleased to be screening an exclusive preview of Planespotting, based on the latest novel by Scotland’s own Irvine Welsh, who lives in Chicago.
This follow-up to Trainspotting centres on the adventures of a planeload of welfare junkies heading for london to rob the english to fund their dependency culture. It stars ewan McGregor as Wee eck and Susan Boyle as Wee Burney.
PASSeNGeRS may also access our on- board internet wi-fi service. Feel free to troll opponents of independence, but please be warned that the Police Scotland Diversity and Hate Crime Task Force will be monitoring Twitter for any inappropriate comments of a homophobic or sectarian nature.
The singing of football songs is strictly forbidden on this aircraft and anyone humming The Sash My Father Wore will be arrested on arrival and sent back to Barlinnie prison.
Our flight plan today takes us over the Forth Bridge and across to the former Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath seat of class traitor Gordon Brown, now safely in the hands of our patriotic SNP.
You will also see the wind farms, upon which all of Scotland’s energy needs will depend once we achieve independence and the oil runs out. If you look closely, some of these windmills may actually be turning.
As we fly over the Clyde, if it isn’t raining — which it probably will be — you’ll be able to spot the soonto-be- decommissioned Trident submarine base. Unfortunately, once we cross the border on our way south, the view begins to turn bleak since virtually every constituency on our route to Westminster is now held by the hated Tories.
Sit back, enjoy your flight and dream of freedom, just so long as the english are paying. We are now flying by the seat of our pants.
When you deplane at london Westminster, please remember to take all your grievances, hubris and sense of entitlement with you.
Have a great day. And thank you for choosing Ayr Force One.