Boleyn for the chop? No way, say pollsters
29 DECEMBER 56BC: ROME ‘UNLIKELY’ TO INVADE BRITAIN
Leading pollsters ipso Facto say that the Romans are ‘somewhere between highly unlikely and very unlikely’ to invade Britain in the foreseeable future.
a poll of military commanders and legionnaires on both sides strongly suggests that faltering commander Julius Caesar has lost his appetite for a British campaign.
‘Our findings confirm that he’s failed to generate much excitement on his own side, while the Britons have never been more ready to repel an invader,’ concludes Clipboardaunus, chief of ipso Facto, adding a ‘small caution’ that ‘there is, of course, a small margin of error, though it is well under 83 pc’.
2 APRIL 1536: ANNE BOLEYN’S POSITION ‘UNASSAILABLE’
Henry Viii’s second wife, anne Boleyn, can look forward to ‘a long and happy life’, say leading pollsters you Lose, after a major survey of leading figures at court.
‘ There are three factors to consider: the King’s obvious faith in her; the lack of any strong alternative candidate; and the overwhelming likelihood that she will produce a male heir,’ is the verdict of pollster-in- chief The earl of Peterkellner.
‘yes, i’m aware of unscientific predictions of an execution, but, frankly, the figures simply don’t stack up.’
20 MAY 1536: YOULOSE ‘GOT IT VERY NEARLY RIGHT’ OVER BEHEADING OF ANNE BOLEYN, SAYS PETERKELLNER
FOLLOWING yesterday’s unexpected execution of Queen anne, a polling chief hit back at those critics who have charged him with ‘getting it completely wrong’.
The earl of Peterkellner pointed out that, seconds before Her Majesty climbed the scaffold, he had described the odds on her surviving an execution as ‘ too close to call’.
‘There was always a fair amount of uncertainty as regards the final outcome and we reflected it,’ he added. ‘ So i think we did pretty well, considering.’
25 OCTOBER 1854: LIGHT BRIGADE POISED FOR VICTORY IN BATTLE OF BALACLAVA
There is a broad consensus among all the leading pollsters that ‘nothing can go wrong’, as the ‘invulnerable’ Light Brigade of the British cavalry prepares to charge into battle against the ‘weak to middling’ Russian artillery.
The polls agree on the ‘sheer professionalism’ of key commanders Cardigan, Lucan and Raglan.
They find 92 pc of the polling sample either ‘delighted’ or ‘highly delighted’ with Raglan’s ‘superb communication skills’.
26 OCTOBER 1854: LIGHT BRIGADE MASSACRED. ‘RUSSIAN ARTILLERY SAID ONE THING, THEN DID SOMETHING ELSE,’ COMPLAINS POLLSTER
‘THE result of the Charge of the Light Brigade was broadly in line with our forecast, even if the outcome was different,’ says Sir geoffrey Tickbox, chairman of pollsters gallop (formerly Canter).
‘and none of our rival pollsters predicted the final result with anything like the same level of accuracy.’
asked why he hadn’t predicted a massacre, Tickbox urged his critics ‘not to leap to any hasty conclusions’ and to ‘look to the bigger picture’.
‘Just because we predicted a resounding victory, it doesn’t therefore follow that we got it wrong,’ he continued.
‘it all comes down to whether your definition of the words “great victory” incorporates its secondary meaning of “abject defeat”.’ THE opinion polls agree that The Rolling Stones and The Swinging Blue Jeans are ‘ neck and neck’ in the race to be the most popular British group of all time.
asked which group would be most widely remembered in 50 years time, 51 pc of those polled said The Swinging Blue Jeans, and 49 pc The Rolling Stones, say top pollsters Mori-Bund, ‘but, to be on the safe side, you should allow for a 50 pc margin of error’.
‘at the moment, it certainly looks as though The Swinging Blue Jeans are creeping ahead, with a broad consensus that their songs are catchier and their personalities more attractive,’ say Mori-Bund.
‘and we can definitely say that, sadly, by the end of next year, the minority group, The Beatles, will be entirely forgotten.’
MARCH 2013: SWINGING BLUE JEANS’ SUCCESS ‘PERHAPS MORE OF A SLOW BURN’, ADMIT MORI-BUND
‘What seems to have gone wrong is that people said one thing and then did something else,’ say top pollsters Mori-Bund, acknowledging the defeat of The Swinging Blue Jeans. ‘which just goes to show you can’t trust them to do anything right.’