Think grown-up children can’t be hurt by divorce? These haunting stories prove you’re WRONG

WHEN Lisa- Jane Stratton’s parents divorced, it hit her hard. There were days when the anxiety overwhelmed her, leaving her so distraught that her hair fell out in clumps. Yet Lisa- Jane is no child: she is a 52-year- old executive, whose parents, at the time her family imploded five years ago, were about to celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary.

Her mother was 80 and her father 78. The stress, divided loyalties, and mourning for the cosy family unit in which Lisa- Jane had felt secure and loved for more than half a century were felt just as keenly as if she were a schoolgirl. ‘Thankfully, I didn’t develop full alopecia, but my hair became very thin,’ recalls Lisa- Jane, who lives in Chelsea, West London.

‘My parents’ separation was so difficult to come to terms with, but I had to keep a clear head to help my mum. Letters from my father’s solicitor would send Mum into an anxiety-fuelled frenzy. I couldn’t bear to see her in that state. So, unlike young children who are encouraged to retain a strong bond with both parents, I didn’t feel I had the option to remain neutral.

‘My brother tried to persuade Dad to ditch the lawyers and go for mediation — we couldn’t afford the thousands of pounds that went on legal fees, which would have been much better spent keeping them comfortable in their old age. But, quite apart from the money involved, I was worried sick about the effect the court battle might have on my parents’ health.’

Lisa- Jane is far from the only adult victim of divorce left grappling with these anxieties, as statistics show that the number of ‘silver splitters’ — couples who divorce after the age of 60 — has almost doubled over the past 15 years.

A gradual loss of stigma associated with divorce, coupled with an ageing population and women having greater financial independence, is believed to be at the root of an 85 per cent rise in the number of people divorcing late in life since 2000. This increase contrasts starkly with figures from the Office for National Statistics, which show an overall fall in the divorce rate since 1991.

According to Relate counsellor Christine Northam, many couples who break up late in life say they come to realise that, without the distractions of work and children, they have little in common. Others say they have always felt they made a mistake marrying their spouse and hope to enjoy what time they have left with someone else, while a few claim separation is the result of long-harboured resentments.

Lisa- Jane’s father instigated divorce proceedings, but she is not sure which, if any, categories her own parents fall into. ‘Mum and Dad had argued quite a bit when my brother and I were growing up,’ she says. ‘But I’d always felt proud that they had managed to weather the storms.

‘When their divorce came through, I remember my brother saying, “It’s sad, after all these years, that we’re now from a broken home,” and it struck me that we no longer had the comfort I’d taken for granted for so long of being part of a “together family”.’

But taking time out to grieve was not an option for Lisa- Jane, as she runs an independent lettings agency and spent the twoand- a- half years after her parents’ separation supporting and advising her now 85-year-old mother.

He R father had enjoyed a successful career in the car sales industry, but her mother, who raised LisaJane and her brother and kept house, was unworldly and intimidated by the legal system she suddenly found herself lost in.

While not wishing to alienate her father, Lisa- Jane felt duty-bound to assist her elderly mother. She fought hard to help her win a very good settlement, which allows her mother to lead a comfortable life in Brighton.

But her father feels that she turned against him, and they no longer have any contact. ‘It’s like experiencing the death of a parent because he is no longer part of my life,’ she says. ‘And early memories of wonderful childhood holidays and Christmases are tainted now that we’re no longer one family.

‘Thankfully, Mum is healthy and robust so we can go places together and we’re creating new memories.’

Christine Northam says adult victims of divorce often find it painful to look at family photographs from childhood, which leave them questioning whether their parents were living a lie.

‘If parents express relief at finally separating once their offspring are grown up, that leaves the children feeling terribly responsible their parents stayed in an unhappy relationship purely for their sake,’ says Christine.

‘They feel betrayed and as if their lives until that point were based on something that wasn’t real.

‘This can be extremely hard to deal with at the same time as seeing the family structure, which underpins our sense of security, being rent asunder.’

When Saskia Mallaby’s parents broke the news that they were planning to divorce, their daughter was so devastated she couldn’t eat or sleep and cried almost constantly for a week.

An understandable reaction for any child, perhaps, but Saskia was a grown woman of 27, who had long since left home, with a business and a relationship of her own.

Saskia, who is now 33 and lives in Doncaster, believes the agony of being an adult child of divorcing parents is even greater in many ways than if her mother and father had separated when she was a child.

‘I know I should feel grateful for my secure childhood with two doting parents, but I think I’d be in a better place now if I’d had more time to get used to the fact that I wouldn’t always have my Mum and Dad together, beside me through all of life’s ups and downs,’ she says. ‘Having to come to terms with that after so many years believing life would always be that way has been unbearably hard, and it’s had a huge impact on me. ‘ While I once dreamed of marriage and children, I now can’t imagine ever having either. My parents divorcing after more than 30 years of marriage has really rocked my faith in the institution: how could I ever feel secure with any husband?’ Saskia, who is now single, is the youngest of three siblings. Her parents were in their early 60s when they divorced six years ago, but nothing about her idyllic upbringing in a threebedroom house in Chesterfield, with its huge garden and bountiful vegetable patch, gave Saskia any inkling that they were unhappy.

A natural athlete, Saskia took four gymnastics classes a week and entered competitions, with her proud parents always in the audience, cheering her along. ‘I thought we were a normal, loving family,’ says Saskia.

‘Dad would kiss Mum every time he went out or came home and she would stroke his hair as they sat together on the couch watching a film. But, from conversations I’ve had with them since the divorce, it seems they were just sticking together because they loved their children and thought a divorce would be upsetting for us.

‘They obviously didn’t realise it would be just as upsetting in adulthood.’

In the early months of separation, Saskia says her parents behaved like teenagers, making the most of their new-found freedom. She found this particularly difficult to bear and would tell her mother off for wearing revealing clothes on nights out. She struggled to

Wedded woe After the recession, the number of couples who split rose, with 13 divorces happening every hour in 2012

contemplate either parent embarking on a new relationship.

The first Christmas was especially hard — a far cry from the joyous family gatherings of previous years — as Saskia spent the day with her mother while her sister visited their father, and they swapped around on Boxing Day.

‘Even six years down the line I haven’t got over my parents’ separation,’ admits Saskia. ‘Just the other day I was watching a TV programme in which a dad was giving a speech at his daughter’s wedding, her mother looking on proudly, and I burst into tears.

‘I’ll never be able to enjoy an experience like that because my normal, happy family is now broken up.’

Clinical psychologist Linda Blair says too many older couples make the mistake of believing their adult children will remain largely unscathed by their divorce.

‘ Whatever age we are, the emotional part of us is always childlike, it doesn’t mature with the rest of us, so gets equally bruised, irrespective of whether we’re an adult or a child,’ says Linda.

And just as with younger children, it’s essential that parents do not bad-mouth one another in front of their adult offspring, who will find it just as difficult to bear.

Adults must also allow themselves to mourn the loss, and not feel that they should ‘just get over it’.

While there may be no need for parents of adult children to stay in touch post- divorce, Christine Northam advises the silver splitters she counsels to maintain a good relationship. This makes the years that follow far easier, preventing any awkwardness at family weddings and christenings, and ensures that they can be good grandparents to the next generation.

While working as a university psychologist several years ago, Linda Blair saw first-hand the impact on young adults whose parents decided to go their separate ways.

Many came to see her distraught that their parents had decided to split the moment they had flown the nest, leaving them without a ‘family home’ to return to.

CARRIEANN ROBBINS was just 18 when her parents separated 15 years ago, but says the news left her utterly bereft. ‘My parents had the odd row when my brothers and I were growing up, but nothing serious, and I honestly believed they would be together for ever,’ says Carrieann, a sales assistant who lives in Nottinghamshire with husband Steven and their two children.

‘I think they protected us from their unhappiness for all the right reasons, but I wish they hadn’t, because then their divorce wouldn’t have come as such a terrible shock.

‘I get flashbacks to idyllic family holidays and think, was that all just a front? Were we ever really the happy family I thought we were?’

Despite being very close to her father when she was growing up, Carrieann has not seen him for 13 years. In the bitterness of the divorce, Carrieann admits she felt protective of her mother, worrying how she would cope financially — something she wouldn’t have had to worry about had she been a child.

Her advice to any parents delaying getting divorced in the hope of protecting their young children is to think again.

‘The knowledge that my parents stayed together to avoid upsetting my brothers and me makes me feel like I was a burden,’ she says.

‘And I can’t shake off a niggling worry that, although my husband and I have always had a very loving relationship, we, too, might feel our marriage has run its course once our children are grown up.

‘So, if you know you’re going to separate at some point, I say split up and move on now so your children have time to get used to the idea and develop individual relationships with each of you.

‘Take it from me, when divorce comes out of the blue once you’re grown up, it feels like a real smack in the face.’

It is, of course, the very last thing that any parent wants their child, whatever age, to experience.