Is my man cheating... or has the menopause made me paranoid?

DEAR BEL WHEN I was growing up, my mum and dad split for a while as my dad had an affair. Apparently, he only came back because I was missing him, but they’ve now been married for 57 years.

I have two daughters, with children, in happy relationships. Their dad and I married when the girls were very young, but there were problems.

He told lies, claimed to have depression, started a relationship with someone else — and our marriage lasted just two years.

My second husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for three months.

I admit I have trust issues. A woman he used to work with (who has had mental health problems) is always texting him. She’s 23; he’s 42.

My gut feeling is that he’s only her friend, but then I worry that he likes her more as she is much younger than me — I am 46.

Stupid things (such as him liking her photos on Facebook) make me feel sick — imagining things.

On our wedding day, he said she wasn’t happy as she hadn’t been invited! He’s one of those people who takes time to listen to his work mates ( he’s a manager), but I find it really difficult to tell him how I am feeling as he takes it personally. I also hate the fact he’s always taking off his wedding ring (when he showers and when he sleeps).

If our marriage meant something he’d wear it all the time — proud to have me as his wife, especially after all this time.

I began the menopause a couple of years ago and most nights my sleep is disturbed and my mind starts working overtime. My doctor has prescribed tablets to help with the hot flushes but these have not started working properly yet.

Some days I feel I’m going mad and can’t understand why I’m so anxious and upset. I can’t rule my husband’s life and tell him who to be friends with.

But sometimes I feel it would be better to go our separate ways so that what he does and who he texts doesn’t bother me any more.

I feel I must do everything so that he wants to stay with me — but putting him on a pedestal is making me ill.

At the moment he’s not speaking to me because I made a comment about his ring, but he doesn’t understand that some things are really important to me. Apparently, I just want my own way all the time!

What do you advise?

MARIA

MY FIRST response is that it certainly wouldn’t be ‘better for you to go your separate ways’ — not after a ll this time and for no reason at all. Many men don ’t wear wedding rings and once it was uncommon. Some men are uncomfortable wearing a ring, especially if the third finger of the left hand has been happy for 42 years without one.

So I beg you not to let it become such a big issue, investing it with too much symbolic value. Why not try a new tack and tell him you honestly don’t mind whether he wears the thing or not.

His surprise would probably do your heart good to see.

Naturally, any women would dislike her man texting a much younger woman who is obviously very needy.

I wouldn’t like it either , I assure you — whether or not I thought an affair was in the offing.

Your husband should realise that such attention paid to another woman is likely to upset his partner and, therefore, should be if not entirely stopped, then cut back.

If he refuses to realise this, then he is not quite the sympathetic man he seems to be at work . What ’s the point of being a ‘ good’ manager when you lack the wisdom to realise that your relationship needs ‘management’ as well?

I like the fact that you began by explaining why you have a problem trusting men, after the experience of your father and first husband. But now you need to stop panicking, take some very deep, calming breaths, and reflect that nurturing a marriage is a two -way process. A woman who is driving a man mad nagging about a ring and her general insecurity and neediness is inflicting as much damage as a bloke who doesn’t see that texting a younger woman all the time is thoughtless and dangerous in equal measure.

Needless to say, your time of life is what jumps out from this letter and seems to me to be the most important issue to tackle.

Anxious and upset? of course you are! I suspect you haven ’t really talked to your husband because you don’t want him reminded of your age; nevertheless he needs to know what’s going on and start being helpful.

So I suggest you get hold of a good book on the menopause (I can ’t recommend one in particular, but there are plenty out there), so you under - stand what’s happening.

Give it some attention and maybe even try HRT, which did wonders for me, or one of the alterative complementary treatments such as black cohosh.

If you are worried about levels of communication in your marriage, try to persuade your husband to have a couple of sessions with Relate.

Giving up now is not the way forward, but trying to be kind to yourself and cutting him some slack probably is.

Aren’t your own parents a good example of how things can be put back together?