What happens if you and your man always want sex at different times?
He gets frisky in the morning. You feel amorous at night. So how DO you stop your marriage losing its sizzle?
NEW research shows men and women appear programmed to want sex at different times of day. While 28 per cent of men feel frisky first thing, only 11 per cent of women do. And a quarter of women want sex at night, compared with 17 per cent of men. Three brave couples tell HELEN CARROLL how they cope . . .
WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME WHO HAS TO GIVE IN?
HELEN BAKER, 45, a full-time mum, and husband Tom, 35, live in Sandwich, kent, with their three children, the youngest of whom is Noah, four. Helen says: WAKING refreshed after a good night’s sleep, my mind often turns to thoughts of making love. However, like most young children, noah rises with the larks, so I rarely get a chance to work my magic on Tom and get him interested before we’re interrupted.
It can be frustrating, but much less so for Tom, who just isn’t really in the mood for making love first thing, preferring to leap out of bed and get on with his day.
Fast-forward to the evenings and, once the children are in bed, I’m so exhausted that I just want to collapse in front of the TV. Sex is the last thing on my mind.
But Tom will often attempt to entice me upstairs for an ‘early night’ — he says sex at night helps to relax him before drifting off to sleep. Two or three evenings a week, I give in, but other nights I desperately need that “me time” to unwind.
I’m conscious I’m the one who always has to compromise and make love to Tom’s timetable. But because we have a young child, that’s just the way it has to be at the moment.
Once every couple of months, though, I make sure we create an opportunity to indulge my desires. Leaving the kids with family, Tom and I have a night, sometimes even a weekend, away alone together — we’ve had lots of trips to London and to a lovely coastal hotel.
I make the most of every moment of being able to snuggle up to him first thing and use my womanly wiles, knowing he will be ultimately powerless to resist. On those special mornings, I’m happy to say that, for once, my husband has no choice but to adjust to my body clock.
We both have high sex drives, and sex is important to us, so despite desire striking us at different times of the day, we usually manage to make love every two or three days.
It’s all about compromise. We just need to work on Tom compromising as much as me!
I CREEP OUT OF BED BEFORE SHE POUNCES
TOM SAYS: Although I am a morning person — always up and active first thing — the time when I really feel in the mood for sex is last thing at night.
I find it comforting and relaxing, and associate it with having special time alone with Helen, with no children around to disturb us and no anxieties about work.
I’m a very active person so, even at the weekend, I wake at 6am, ready to walk the dog, go for a bike ride or do some gardening.
I usually creep out without waking Helen — if she stirs, I know what she’ll be after and I just want to be left alone to get on with my day.
My work and commute mean I’m out of the house for 12 hours on weekdays and, when I get home, we’ll have dinner. If the weather’s good, we’ll go for a walk with the kids, and maybe have a cold beer in the garden at the local pub.
Then once noah is in bed, I’m ready to go up, too, but Helen just wants to collapse on the sofa. I know I’ll be asleep by the time she comes to bed so, a couple of nights a week, I’ll offer to sit and watch TV with her — if she’ll agree to an early night.
She knows what’s on my mind — even after so many years together, I still find her irresistible — and she seems happy to oblige.
Sex is a massive stress-reliever for me. If work has been challenging, it helps to put thoughts of it out of my mind and, afterwards, I’m ready to drift off to sleep.
But I’m very aware that, unlike in the early days of our relationship, when we had more time alone, Helen rarely gets to make love at her peak time. So I try to organise romantic trips away with no children in tow.
With the freedom to make love in the morning, afternoon and evening, these little jaunts mean that we both get what we want.
FRIDAY IS A SEX NIGHT, NO EXCUSES
CATHERINE HOWARTH, 33, a finance analyst, and her husband Richard, 35, an engineer, live in Milton keynes with their son Jonah, one. Catherine says: LIKE most couples, in the early stages of our relationship we had sex two or three times a day — so it wasn’t as obvious then that our libidos peaked at different times.
However, since becoming parents, we’ve realised while I’m in the mood at bedtime, once I’ve had the chance to relax after Jonah goes to bed, Richard is more inclined to wake up feeling amorous in the morning.
Recently, though, we’ve made a conscious effort to put sex back on the agenda, and that has meant compromising to accommodate each other’s desire — even when we’re not both in the mood.
So every Friday is date night. We cook a nice meal, then watch a movie snuggled in bed together. Richard doesn’t drink, but I’ll have a small glass of rosé to help me unwind.
Then I get to have my wicked way with him. For me, making love to my husband is the perfect way to end an evening — although I’m aware he would be happier waiting until the following morning.
It’s the one thing we do together that’s completely about satisfying one another’s needs.
‘Because we always feel even closer afterwards, we’ll nod off entwined in one another’s arms. It helps me drift into a deep, relaxing sleep — something I can’t do after morning sex when I have to get up for work.
That may be why I feel a lot less enamoured by the prospect of sex when Richard’s alarm goes off early the following day and he reaches over to kiss and caress me.
I’ll do a mental calculation and, if it’s been three or more days since we last had sex, I’ll oblige.
But if we made love the night before, I’ll tell him: ‘I’m really tired, just leave it.’ And he will. I don’t open my eyes to see if he looks crestfallen, but I’m sure he does.
MOST MORNINGS I’M DISAPPOINTED
RICHARD SAYS: Most mornings, I wake up in the mood for sex.
Instinctively, I pull catherine towards me and give her a kiss and a cuddle — just to see if she’s persuadable. Sometimes, my luck is in, but other times, she rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Of course, it’s a bit disappointing, but I would never dream of putting any pressure on catherine, so I leave her to it and hop in the shower.
It’s a different story in the evenings, however, because that’s when I don’t usually feel up to it, but catherine turns on all her charms to get me in the mood.
After a ten to 12-hour day at work, I’m tired, and sex is not at the forefront of my mind. But catherine is an attractive woman who knows which buttons to press. Like most men, I can usually be talked round.
Rather than getting cross about my wife not being a morning person, I find that the more I do to make catherine happy in the evenings — cooking a nice meal, or entertaining Jonah while she rests, for example — the more receptive she is to my advances the next morning.
So, at weekends, when I wake up before Jonah, I’ll nip downstairs and
prepare fresh juice and toast for Catherine, in the hope she’ll look more favourably on my advances.
She’s my best friend, but she’s also very beautiful and sexy. Waking up next to her each day, I don’t think it’s any surprise I struggle to resist her. But we respect each other’s feelings, — and that means not complaining if the other really doesn’t feel like sex.
Marriage is, however, about give and take. If we only ever had sex at times when we were individually in the mood, and not to satisfy each other’s desires, then we’d pro probably be selfish in other area areas of our lives, too.
IdI don’t think that’s a recipe for a good relationship.
I’M THINKING ABOUT DINNER!
VickyVic kenworthy, 37, a paralegal,pa and Andy, 40, a driver,dri have been together for 19 years and married for 11. they have two sons, agedag 18 and 12 and live in oldham, Lancashire. VickyVi says: W When our kids were little, th the only time I could muster en energy for sex was on the ra rare occasions Andy and I had some time alone during th the day.
In the evenings, I’d fall in into bed exhausted and often reject his advances, which caused a f few rows. I felt guilty that, in giving the boys all my attention, I ha had none left for Andy.
U Unfortunately, as the children have go got older and less demanding, the ta tables have turned.
now,n while I’m in the mood at night, An Andy, who is often up at 5am for wo work, is shattered by bedtime.
T Then, at weekends, and sometimes in the week if we’re both home early or have the day off, Andy will come ho home with chocolates and flowers, in th the hope I won’t be able to resist his ro romantic advances.
B But in the middle of the day, my m mind is too preoccupied with thoughts of laundry, what we’re going to have for dinner and tidying up after everyone.
even more off-putting, if we do go to bed in the middle of the day, I’m always on edge, listening out for one of the boys coming home — which is something of a passion-killer. So it takes a lot of planning to find times when we’re both able and willing.
nevertheless, sex is important in our marriage — it’s a way of saying that we still love each other, and it puts us both in a better mood.
‘So we compromise and make love once or twice a week, usually the night before a day off. It means Andy forgoing his daytime passion and me having early nights — though not too early, as I’m more able to let myself go when I know the boys are asleep.
We’re not looking forward to being empty-nesters, but maybe when we have the house to ourselves, I’ll be able to repay Andy by indulging his desires for afternoon delight.
TV IS SO APPEALING WHEN I’M TIRED
Andy says: As a young man, sex was really important to me and I felt frustrated if I went more than a few days without it.
But after 19 years, while Vicky and I know we love each other, and I’m still very attracted to her, it has fallen down my list of priorities a bit.
I’m up and out very early most mornings, then working all day, so at night, I’m so tired that all I want to do is fall asleep.
however, when I’m home with Vicky in the late afternoons and early evenings, I often feel turned on — but, at that time of day, there’s no way she can switch off enough to lock herself in our bedroom with me.
On the rare occasions I have talked her into it, the boys seem to have a sixth sense and come home, hollering up the stairs to find out where we are. Mortified, Vicky will call out: ‘We’re just tidying up! We’ll be down in a minute!’
So, while daytime sex is a great stress-reliever for me, it’s just the opposite for Vicky.
When the children were younger, and Vicky was always too tired for sex, we’d have the odd row, but these days, it never causes arguments.
Just because we can’t do it when I choose, I would never want to stop making love to my wife altogether. That intimacy always makes us feel closer and stops us bickering.
So on Fridays and Saturdays, Vicky often persuades me to have an early night. I’m always grateful she made the effort. Although the thought of vegetating in front of the TV might seem more appealing when I’m tired, I enjoy myself once we get going.
Mine and Vicky’s sex drives may be out of sync, but recognising that this is the problem — rather than a lack of desire for one another — means we can make sure our love life never goes off the boil.