JONATHAN CAINER

Hi Jonathan, You seem to be struggling to explain astrology. Here is a simple model for the readers. A clock is the hands of time in the space of the clock face. This parallels our time on earth. Now imagine a clock with multiple faces, each rotating and

ARIES

Mar 21 — Apr 20

‘YOU can fool some of the people all the time, and you can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool everyone for ever.’ This, more or less, is how a famous old saying goes. However, it lacks a crucial caveat. It ought to end thus: ‘You can fool yourself from now to kingdom come if you are determined enough to remain arrogant.’ Thankfully, that doesn’t apply to you. You may be assertive, but you aren’t insensitive. It is time to question what you were once told to believe. Much will improve between now and the July New Moon. I’d like to give you a reading based on your exact date of birth. Call 0906 751 5601.

TAURUS

Apr 21 — May 21

ROMAN roads, say historians, took the shortest route. Thus, in one respect at least, Roman soldiers marched as the crow flies. They went directly. They didn’t detour. But are there not many times in life when an expedition is more rewarding for the traveller willing to take the scenic route? What is the big deal about ‘getting there’? Don’t philosophers assure us that ‘the journey is the destination’? Don’t worry lest you are going the wrong way about something. You could be in exactly the right place. Looking for some good news? Dial in your date of birth for your latest spookily accurate Moon-sign prediction. Call 0906 751 5602.

GEMINI

May 22 — June 22

PEOPLE born under your sign, so some astrologers say, love to ask questions. You stand accused of being more eager to make enquiries than to make discoveries. It has been said Geminis don’t stop to listen to the answers they have just been given before they start to formulate further questions. Now this, of course, is one of those cliches that certain stargazers bandy about too freely. But just in case there is a hint of truth in it, just check that you don’t already know all you need to know! Much will improve between now and the July New Moon. I’d like to give you a reading based on your exact date of birth. Call 0906 751 5603.

CANCER

June 23 — July 23

WHY, when we think about our future, might we foresee misfortune? We might be pessimists, or optimistic yet superstitious. It may seem unwise to tempt fate — or, if we have been exposed to an intense religious education, we may have a confused understanding of our own entitlement to Divine protection versus the uncomfortable suspicion that we have probably sinned and deserve punishment. That is why it’s best to let an objective third party do the forecasting. I say, despite your fear, all looks well. Looking for some good news? Dial in your date of birth for your latest spookily accurate Moon-sign prediction. Call 0906 751 5604.

LEO

July 24 — Aug 23

WHY would the universe not bestow its blessing upon you? Why might it favour another? Have you, a creature so small, really managed to incur the opprobrium of a cosmos so vast? If so, that’s impressive. You must let us all know how you did it, especially given the generally accepted truth that the universe doesn’t make judgments. So, if Heaven is on your side, what — or who — can your enemy be? Only the very person who is reading these words! And now you know that, you can triumph. Much will improve between now and the July New Moon. I’d like to give you a reading based on your exact date of birth. Call 0906 751 5605.

VIRGO

Aug 24 — Sep 23

A POPULAR soft drink is much loved by millions who believe it to be ‘the real thing’. Yet it is derided by a number of vocal opponents who claim it is the sole cause of every dental cavity on the planet and is far better suited for polishing metal and removing limescale from porcelain. As is always the case with arguments between people with extreme conflicting views, the truth lies somewhere in between. As you assess the pros and cons of a key choice, be sympathetic to a suggestion of compromise. Looking for some good news? Dial in your date of birth for your latest spookily accurate Moon-sign prediction. Call 0906 751 5606.

LIBRA

Sep 24 — Oct 23

‘NOSTALGIA isn’t what it used to be!’ So goes the old joke. It is funny because it contradicts itself, as does ‘moderation’. You just can’t get too much of it! Both statements are every bit as true in one way as they are silly in another. Life, we all soon learn, is full of paradox. We attempt to make sense of every last bit of it at our peril. Don’t try too hard to straighten out a mess. But do make a special effort to be restrained — and not to pine for some ideal vision of yesterday that never existed. Much will improve between now and the July New Moon. I’d like to give you a reading based on your exact date of birth. Call 0906 751 5607.

SCORPIO

Oct 24 — Nov 22

SOCIAL studies tell us that women are more likely to ask for directions than men. Men, it is thus implied, are more likely to keep driving aimlessly, looking for clues. This surely tells us more about the daft questions that some researchers try to find answers to than it does about the human condition. If it were true, the female population would surely end up getting from A to B more efficiently than the male section of it. And perhaps they do! There is no shame now in asking for an answer you don’t have. Looking for some good news? Dial in your date of birth for your latest spookily accurate Moon-sign prediction. Call 0906 751 5608.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov 23 — Dec 21

WHAT are you best advised to do today? Sagittarians are not keen on consultants. They don’t mind giving advice, but they very much object to taking it — especially if they feel obliged to demonstrate deference. Indeed, friends have noted that the best way to get you to see their point of view is to apply reverse psychology. If they say that something ‘isn’t right’, you may well ask: ‘Why?’ — and set out to prove them wrong. Just be aware that even you are not infallible. Much will improve between now and the July New Moon. I’d like to give you a reading based on your exact date of birth. Call 0906 751 5609.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22 — Jan 20

THE finest two-star Michelin chef cannot produce a meal that tastes as good as the one that arrives on the plate of a person who has grown so hungry their tummy is rumbling. When we truly want something and we have to wait before we get it, our appreciation intensifies. Critical faculties fly out the window. Never mind asking: ‘Is it good?’ or ‘Is it bad?’ It exists! It is here! What else matters? You can, of course, find fault with a few things. But why bother when there is so much to be glad of. Looking for some good news? Dial in your date of birth for your latest spookily accurate Moon-sign prediction. Call 0906 751 5610.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21 — Feb 19

WHEN people fill in forms for dating agencies, they are asked all kinds of questions. The theory is simple. Folk with similar tastes may get along well. And, if you know someone else’s profession, you may be able to guess how much you will enjoy their company. But a person’s occupation does not say as much about them as we think. And what if our tastes change? What if, one day, we wake up to decide we don’t like strawberries (or Beethoven) any more? Beware empty assumptions. Much will improve between now and the July New Moon. I’d like to give you a reading based on your exact date of birth. Call 0906 751 5611.

PISCES

Feb 20 — Mar 20

RATIONALLY-MINDED people may suggest that belief in faerie folk has diminished over recent years in direct proportion to the ever falling price of TV sets. That would make sense. Why would we feel the need to conjure visions of little people when we can just turn on the screen in the corner and see it immediately filled with pictures of people who are smaller than we are? Don’t assume that all magic can be explained away. Some happy events may make no sense, but they are, nonetheless, very real. Looking for some good news? Dial in your date of birth for your latest spookily accurate Moon-sign prediction. Call 0906 751 5612.