Astonished, Mr Fallon cried: No books will be cooked!

FEARS that the Scots Nationalists would rupture the House’s genteel conventions were unfounded. They are behaving beautifully. The party’s Shadow Commons Leader, Pete Wishart, has apparently drilled this discipline into them. Shrewd move.

Rebellion against the House’s procedure would have looked petty. Nationalist qualms about the powers of the Commons will be taken more seriously if they observe the protocols.

Then we have the delightful manners of Alison Thewliss (Glasgow Central). MPs, on entering the Chamber, are expected to acknowledge the Speaker’s Chair.

This is a throwback to the time when the Commons sat in the former St Stephen’s Chapel and the Speaker sat where the altar had been. Almost every MP still bows or at least drops a chin in salute to the Speaker’s big seat.

Sir Nicholas Soames (Con, Mid-Sussex) clicks his heels so loudly that it is as though a rifle has been fired and he jolts nearby MPs from their post-prandial snoozes.

Mrs Thewliss goes further. She curtseys. It is a proper, waist-lowering, skirt-widening, head-bobbing curtsey, too – none of that knee-locking that used to occur when Cherie Blair met the Queen.

Feminists will no doubt chew on their knuckles but a Thewliss curtsey would not be out of place in the novels of Jane Austen and is performed with such grace and athleticism that the Hon Lady must be mustard at Highland reels. One’s only fear about this development is what it may do for the already dangerously swollen bean of Speaker Bercow. To have women dropping him curtseys! He’ll have that peachy- cheeked young train bearer of his doing them next; and maybe Sally, now that she is reportedly back in harness.

Defence Questions yesterday saw little extension of such politeness. You might have thought that Tory MPs would be grateful to the Government for George Osborne’s claim, in his Budget, that Defence spending would be kept at the suggested Nato minimum of two per cent of our nation’s output.

And yet the likes of Sir Gerald Howarth (Con, Aldershot) and Julian Lewis (New Forest E) quibbled and nibbled at the ministerial team. They plainly did not believe Mr Osborne’s promise. Tut tut. Sir Gerald was not the only Member to suggest that there would be some nifty accounting to make sure that the two per cent figure was magically reached – Ukip’s Douglas Carswell (Clacton) employed the term ‘cooking the books’.

Defence Secretary Michael Fallon larded his voice with astonishment at the very suggestion. ‘I have already made it clear,’ he said, ‘no books are going to be cooked.’ And that ‘cooked’ was uttered with so much disappointment and contempt, it came out as ‘cukt’.

Spending commitments are a political narcotic, whatever the colour of Government. MPs seize on them and are soon buzzing and becoming needy for more.

Robin Walker (Con, Worcester) was practically levitating about the extra £15million for school cadet forces. We heard from a cliché-afflicted Defence minister, Mark Lancaster, of the ‘lifeenhancing experiences’ and ‘the benefits’ of being a military cadet. All I remember from my own time as a (remarkably useless) cadet was that we learned how to smoke cigarettes while on sentry duty and make hardtack biscuits skim across the surface of the North Sea like flat pebbles.

BRENDAN O’Hara ( SNP, Agryll & Bute) seemed to want further millions – billions? – spent on Scottish naval shipyards. Marcus Fysh (Con, Yeovil) demanded easier fertility treatment for military families in Somerset – Mr Lancaster was soon speaking of the MoD’s ‘assisted conception policy’, which may have Russian defence attaches puzzled. Labour frontbencher Yvonne Fovargue, who I have a half-suspicion may be David Walliams in drag, spoke of ex-soldiers having money problems. A new Tory with the Shakespearean name of Quince, wanted better kit for Army lads in Colchester.

And moist Andrew Stephenson (Con, Pendle) insisted on greater diversity in the ranks. He was assured that this was an ‘operational imperative’ and that ‘outreach to the Pakistani heritage community’ was high on our military agenda.

Nato can rest easy.