THE SIX GOLDEN RULES OF ARGUING

START softly. Researchers have found that the outcome of a conflict can be determined by how it begins in the first three minutes. Use a tone of voice and words that don’t blame or attack. Rather than: ‘You said you’d be home an hour ago, now dinner is ruined,’ try: ‘Hi, I’m glad you’re home, I was expecting you earlier. Did something come up?’

ASK questions. Find out why something is important to the other person or how they think you should tackle a problem. It shows that you’re concerned about their needs and the answers can give information that will help you work towards a resolution.

SAY what you mean. It saves a great deal of frustration and misunderstanding rather than hoping your spouse will pick up on clues. Women in particular often speak in generalities rather than specifics when they want something and then are frustrated when their husbands don’t understand.

BE POSITIVE. It’s very easy to tell someone what you don’t like or don’t want, but it’s not terribly constructive. You’re more likely to build a path to a positive solution by saying what you do want. So, rather than: ‘I don’t like it when you leave the lawn like that,’ you might try: ‘I really appreciate having a nicely mown lawn. Can we make that happen?’

USE the right pronouns. We don’t like to be criticised or accused of doing something wrong, even if we are technically guilty. So if someone says, ‘You’re late for dinner again’, our response is likely to be, ‘Well, let me explain why it’s not my fault.’ If they say, ‘I feel upset when you’re late for dinner’, marriage research suggests this is more likely to lead to a less defensive response.

LET it go. According to marriage researchers, 69 per cent of conflicts in marriage are unavoidable because they relate to personality differences. If something repeatedly bothers you, ask yourself whether an argument is going to change anything, or benefit your relationship and, if the answer’s no, let it go.