Should I confront my husband’s lover over their affair?

DEAR BEL

I HAVE been married for ten years, with two wonderful children, aged nine and seven. Apart from normal disagreements I’ve always loved and believed in my husband. I’m not the most out-going person (being reserved and private) while my husband is quite different: very sociable and charming — so much so that his family didn’t approve of me. But he did defend me to his family to the point where we didn’t see them for a while. I grew up in a home where my mother never showed love, despite my longing for it. She moved out when I was about 12 and while I love my dad, he wasn’t one for showing love either. I vowed I’d be different with my children. But I’m a practical person in my speech and manner, which my husband finds frustrating. The crux of the matter: my husband has felt neglected sufficiently to have an affair with a work colleague, who is a fellow Christian. I can understand that sometimes he may have felt I focused more love on my children, but I know I have loved and supported him (emotionally and financially) throughout our marriage. I’ve also learned to show my love — though never enough for him. I have been in agony since I found out about the affair. When I heard him on the phone to her in our home, I could hardly breathe. He didn’t tell me about her; all I have told you I found out for myself. I did write him a letter and he then agreed to go to Relate, knowing all along that I thought it was to see if we could make our marriage work. He even suggested moving house to where I would be happier. He also said that he had ended his relationship with the woman. But I began to suspect they were texting again — and, indeed, she did the other evening. I can’t stop thinking about them. He now tells me he only wanted to go to Relate to make mediation for separation easier. I have been in touch with this woman. I want to meet her so she can hear and understand my pain. I want to ask her why she thought it acceptable to see another woman’s husband. I know she’ll have been told the usual rubbish — but she is married with a three-year-old. I am not a Christian, so to see and hear two people who believe in God justifying their actions because they were unhappy in their marriages makes me angry. To me, marriage is about love, but also it takes hard work — not ‘I’ll have the good times, but when the going gets tough I’m going to have an affair’. Am I right in wanting to meet this woman? She’s aware I know where she works. I have tried to tell this story fairly, not just complain about my husband. But I am devastated.

SUSANNAH

Both of today’s letters are about jealousy — though I must quickly add that no single letter is ever really about one single subject (with that in mind, read today’s And Finally.)

‘David’ (below) is suffering with his obsessive jealousy of his partner’s past with no justification. You, on the other hand, have every reason to feel consumed by a web of emotions, of which jealousy is just one part.

I feel great compassion for your anguish over what you feel could be the end of your marriage. I admire the honesty that invokes your loveless childhood, linking it with the present. You craved love from your mother but she not only withheld it, she abandoned you. I can’t begin to imagine the damage she caused.

Your father was undemonstrative and — despite being a different kind of mum — you seem to have inherited that characteristic in your marriage. You call yourself ‘a practical person’, but I assume you mean brisk, matter of fact and certainly not as loving as your husband wants/needs. But given your background, no wonder you retreated into your shell.

Perhaps you and your husband were essentially incompatible all along —

just as his family thought. Whatever the truth, we must address the current situation.

He has lied — even misleading you about the reasons for consulting Relate. You wanted to mend things, but he had separation in mind all along. Or so he says. I doubt you’ll ever believe him again. It certainly sounds as if communication between you is pretty poor.

Of course, I agree with you that marriage requires hard work. But let’s look at your statement: ‘to see and hear two people who believe in God justifying their actions because they were unhappy in their marriages makes me angry’. Listen — the fact your husband and his lover are practising Christians has no relevance whatsoever to their affair.

Falling in love (or lust) has always led people to betray the moral tenets of whatever faith they hold — and I’m afraid it always will.

And when led by all- powerful passions, men and women will always find it ‘ acceptable’ to ‘ see’ the husbands and wives of other people.

And the erring spouses will usually tell self-pitying fibs to their lovers, such as ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ and ‘My husband never talks to me’ and ‘She (or he) is so unloving’ and so on. This is what you call ‘the usual rubbish’, isn’t it? If I sound cynical, forgive me. Through my personal and professional life, I know all about such deceptions and, therefore, nothing surprises me any more.

Men and women who want to stray will always blacken the character of the person they’re deceiving, because it helps them to follow their desire, not their conscience.

You’re so angry you want to meet the woman — and, who knows, by now you probably have. The desire to berate is always very strong, but rarely does any good — and I fear it would just upset you even more.

What you have to concentrate on right now is protecting your children from the worst of what’s going on between their parents. There is nothing more important . . . No, not even your abandoned heart.

You must tell your husband that more Relate sessions are essential. They will help him realise what leaving the marriage will mean (thinking of those children again) and lead you to evolve a way forward which does not involve bitterness.

You’ll notice I haven’t speculated about separation. How can I?

To be honest, the future doesn’t look promising, but — while understanding your feeling of devastation — I still think you have to summon reserves of strength and give it a last try.