Obsessive jealousy is ruining my life
DEAR BEL, MY PROBLEM is making me ill and has the potential to break up my relationship with the woman I love — the mother of my gorgeous son. Everything else we have is perfect: a nice house, no money worries, supportive family and friends. We are comfortable together, soul mates and best friends for more than five years. But I have an overwhelming and destructive obsession with her previous partner. Despite her reassurances, I’m convinced she’s only with me because he wouldn’t leave his girlfriend (he was seeing the other lady at the same time as his relationship with my partner). I feel like second best, second choice and forever in his shadow. She speaks very positively about this man, who was there for her during a difficult time. I feel that I can’t compete. He is also more than 20 years older than my partner and wealthy. The thought of them together turns my stomach. I know this is totally irrational and I’m not normally a jealous person. My girlfriend has done nothing wrong and all this happened before we got together. But their age gap is a real issue for me. I am in all other respects a happy and grateful person. But this man lives in the same area as we do and whenever I happen to see him, I become withdrawn and feel totally inadequate. I then become argumentative with my partner — who (I know) can no longer tolerate my insecurities. I check his Facebook profile, Google him and am on a constant look-out for him. What can I do to get over these thought processes that are ruining my life and relationship? Are there any self-help books or novels that cover this problem that you can recommend?
DAVID
THERE are many layers here — and you certainly don’t need me to tell you this obsessive jealousy can be lethal. You’ve endlessly nagged your innocent partner about this and she’s heartily sick of your neediness and insecurity, not to mention your imaginings about her previous sex life.
You claim their age gap is a ‘real issue’, so does that imply that it wouldn’t be so bad were the guy to be your age? Of course not.
It’s a red herring — almost as if you want to find reasons to justify this destructive behaviour.
I’m curious that you think reading will be useful. As one who believes that books can, indeed, help us all pick our way through problems, I’m still convinced you need one-to-one help. So seek Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as soon as possible.
My instinct tells me that ordering up a pile of books while still ‘stalking’ this man would just be another delaying tactic. Beware that you don’t become dependent on your jealousy, because somehow it gives you a spurious sense of power.
Look at the online register of CBT therapists ( cbtregisteruk.com) to find someone in your area who can jolt your mind into a different direction. Do it now.
I worry that you’ve been so inactive. You can find books on any subject by looking online; a quick visit to Amazon reveals more than one title on jealousy, so once you have made a CBT appointment, you can do some research.
It would certainly help you to work out why you feel that you cannot ‘compete’ with her old lover.
And if you really want to settle down with a good book (much better than peering at the man’s Facebook profile) then try a very early Julian Barnes title, Before She Met Me, or Howard Jacobson’s dark novel, The Act Of Love. either one might frighten you out of the pathological obsession which is their subject.
You have a lovely life, a ‘ gorgeous son’, a woman who loves you.
Please don’t lose it all. Instead, close down that computer and act to save yourself from yourself.