The women who haven’t had SEX for more than a decade
(And chaps, it’s all YOUR fault)
THE PARTY had been wonderful and she had enjoyed every minute. But as the goodnights rang out and her friends — all of them in couples — headed for the door with arms draped around one another, susan Wilson followed behind, alone, feeling a familiar pang of sadness.
Now aged 55, susan’s last relationship broke up 17 years ago and, other than a couple of brief, casual encounters shortly afterwards, she has been single — and sexless — ever since.
In fact, like a quarter of all women over 40, susan has been without a lover for so long she has almost lost hope of ever experiencing intimacy with a man again.
‘Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years and, before you know it, you’ve gone a very long time without sex,’ says susan. ‘It makes me feel so sad and lonely when I realise how long it’s been since I made love with a man, so I try not to think about it. I always enjoyed sex and found it exhilarating, and I miss that physical closeness. You don’t get it with any other human contact.’
According to recent statistics, 28 per cent of women over 40, like susan, now lead celibate lives.
Those who are menopausal often say hot flushes and mood swings have reduced their sex drive, according to nutrition company Healthspan, which conducted the research. However, there are many more, including susan, a dance teacher from south London, who crave a loving relationship but unfortunately find themselves single in the ‘danger zone’ — that is any time after their late 30s, when most people are either paired up or cynical and wary of commitment following a divorce.
They seem left with an impossible choice: meaningless, soul- sapping casual encounters or decades of celibacy. Most opt for the latter. susan baulked at the
idea of internet dating, finding it too impersonal. And as a teetotaller, she can’t even rely on a nip of good old Dutch courage when she’s out to give her the confidence to chat up men in the old-fashioned way.
‘I don’t talk to many people about the fact I’ve been celibate for so long because I’m embarrassed, it feels abnormal,’ she says. ‘I did, however, tell a friend the other day and she looked very surprised and said “Oh really?” And I said: ‘Yes! Where’s the justice in that?”
‘I remember, years ago, going home after spending a passionate night with a boyfriend and my flatmate saying: ‘My God you look amazing, you’re glowing! What have you been doing?’.
‘When you’re having sex you have a vitality about you, even your hair and skin look healthier. But, at this stage in my life, I do wonder if my desire to meet a man is less about the sex and more about wanting to share something with somebody else — I’d love to wake up in the arms of someone who cares about me.
‘I have to accept that it may happen for me again but it might not, so I just have to get on with life.’
Most of the ‘nice men’ Susan has met over the past 17 years were already committed and, although she has been propositioned by a couple of them, she wants more than just sex and is too moral to contemplate an affair with a married man.
Susan’s last relationship, with a man who had an ex-wife and children, ended when she was 38.
Although Susan came onto the scene after his marriage had ended, she says his ex- wife would be critical of her in front of his children and this put an intolerable strain on their relationship, leading them to break up.
At the time, Susan never imagined she was consigning herself to a life without intimacy.
‘When you grow up in a normal, middle-class family with parents who have been happily married for 60 years, you assume you will end up settling down and having children with someone who loves and cares about you,’ she says. ‘But that just never happened for me. When friends complain about their husbands pestering them for sex when they’re not in the mood I can’t help but think: “You don’t know how lucky you are to have someone who loves you and wants to show it.”
‘My desire to feel a man’s arms around me and be loved, even briefly, is so deep that I’ve even contemplated offering just to have sex with one.
‘There must be plenty out there who would like a no-strings relationship, but I’d end up returning to my flat feeling lonely and rejected, so that’s not the answer.’
Relationship therapist Val Sampson says that women in their 40s and 50s can experience just as much desire and get equal satisfaction from sex as younger women.
however, older women scarred by unhappy relationships in their past may be reluctant to risk a brief encounter with a man for fear of the pain it may cause.
This was certainly true for thrice-divorced Shirley Yanez, 59, who has been celibate for 15 years.
her turning point came shortly after her third marriage ended, when she fell desperately ill, due to a 8lb fibroid in her uterus. The condition, she knows, is a direct legacy of a promiscuous youth.
‘Staring death in the face in that way and then getting a second chance I made a commitment to myself to only ever do things that are good for me,’ recalls Shirley.
‘I gave up smoking and alcohol and vowed I’d never have sex — the source of so many of the problems in my life — with anyone other than a man happy to commit, love and support me. As men like that are hard to find, it was difficult contemplating the rest of my life without a boyfriend.
‘So, while I’m open to the idea of meeting a man — I love men, I enjoy their company and love the warmth of feeling close to them — I don’t look for one any more and haven’t met any I’d risk my happiness on.
‘I’ve realised how important I am, how important my life is, and, rather than risk being hurt, I concentrate on me and that’s helped me become very successful in my professional life.’
Shirley, who runs a clothing company called Venus Cow, ultimately aims to open free life coaching schools for those who can’t afford to pay.
‘I teach girls that sex is a very special thing that binds you to another human being,’ says Shirley. ‘Sex makes you feel good in the moment because you’re producing positive chemicals and pheromones, but if he